Beginning... All over again.

Hello to all!

I hope that everyone had an amazing Holiday season with their friends and family. I spent my Christmas in Rogue River, hanging out with my parents in their cozy home. I couldn't help but reflect on this past year. Most of my actions I took this year were big ones for me. I had decided about this time last year to ask my then long time girlfriend of over 2 years to marry me. I remember feeling nervous, anxious and terribly excited. I knew when, how and where I would do it. I was ready for it all, the commitment, adapting to the changes, everything. As we all know, things did't quite pan out as I hoped they would. As my mom so wisely stated "boy who was ready, met girl who was not." I have always been the type to put others needs ahead of my own. While I have grown tremendously as a person this year, I have to admit that this has been my toughest year to date. It is my last night in Oregon, as I fly to Florida tomorrow evening. I couldn't be more excited about it all. A fresh start in a new state with people that love and support me is exactly what I need. I will be in Florida helping my oldest sister, Jaime and brother in law Zach, get their house ready to rent out and then helping them move cross country to Tuscon, Arizona. While I am excited about this upcoming adventure, I can't help but feel a bit anxious. Not in any sort of negative connotation, but because I am so beyond ready to put the past behind me.

I'll be completely honest, in so many ways, I feel broken. My heart is still healing from its recent shatter. I can't even begin to describe all the pain I feel inside. I wish I could just brush it all off and pretend like I am fine, as I have done so many times in the past. I know I have much work to do. I am making a vow to myself, this year, I am going to focus solely on bettering myself. It may sound selfish, but after so many years of trying to make other people happy, I feel I owe it to myself to be selfish for a change. I have big plans for this year. Once we get all moved in and settled in Tuscon, I will be flying up to Oregon to retrieve my car, some personal items and man's best friend, my Jack Russel, Yogi. From there, I am going to make the long journey down through California, stopping to visit my best friends and some family along the way. While I have been blessed to live in this beautiful state of Oregon, I know my time here is up. If you know me well, you know how many times my family and I have moved. I think the count is somewhere over 30 different houses, in many different cities, in 2 states so far. I am a traveler, I often feel like if I am in one place for too long, I get uncomfortable. While I was still engaged and my thought process was focused on our future together, I really felt like Oregon was a good place to raise a family and settle down. Obviously, this is no longer my thought process. I will always hold Oregon close to my heart as it has not only been my home, but a place where I have so many vivid childhood memories of family road trips up here to visit my grandparents and all of the great times we have had along the way.

So.... what exactly are these big plans? Well, for starters, I really want to go back to school. Tuscon is the home to the University of Arizona, and while I will probably start by taking some general courses at a community college to get back into the swing of things, my plan is to eventually transfer my credits to the University and get at least my AA, but hopefully my BA in Business, with a minor emphasis on Music. Music has been a very powerful tool for me my whole life. I can remember as a very young child falling asleep every night to the sound of my dad playing his acoustic guitar. As I grew older, I became heavily involved in the church as my dad was a Worship Leader and my mom often sang on the worship team in addition to helping run children's church. That is where I got my start running sound and understanding the dynamic and the true power that music has. I was blessed to receive my 1st, very own acoustic guitar from my most recent supervisor. It's nothing fancy, but it has a beautiful sound to it and I am so excited about learning how to play. I had tried to learn many times before, but never really had the patience for it. I have already made some progress, learning a few chords and getting into a routine of practicing. I plan on taking lessons and a few classes in school to help me with that as well. As a sound engineer, I want to be able to relate to the musicians I work with in the future. By being able to understand what they are playing and going through, I feel like that will help me tremendously to be able to relate. I want to learn to play the drums and piano as well. I am going to dive into music, maybe even try my hand at songwriting. All I know is that I love music and all things associated with it, and I want to learn it all.

When I take off tomorrow night, I am going to try my best to not look back, I am looking forward to the future. I know that dwelling on the past is only going to keep me from my future. And I am not about to let that happen. I am so excited about the future, and I can't wait to see where life takes me. As far as those who have hurt me, really, thank you. If it wasn't for all of that, I would not be embarking on this journey. Sometimes the most painful things can bring forth the greatest blessings in disguise. As angry as I still am, I am doing my best to let it go. I have forgiven them, but it will take me some time before I can forget. But as the saying goes, time heals all wounds. I will do my best to keep the updates coming in, but I will be very busy in the next few months. Keep me in your prayers. I wish the best for all of you in this upcoming year!

God Bless,
Nathan Dorsey

A Clean Slate

Hello!

There are so many new and exciting things to report! Before I begin to share what is new with me and my upcoming adventure, I want to close out a few things. When I started this blog, I really wasn't sure where to begin or what I wanted to write. I focused mainly on the things that were weighing heavy on my mind, which has been mostly my personal relationships that I have had and the pains of losing what I thought was true love and all things that come with that. It has been an emotionally and physically draining last few months for me. I just wanted to say that for what it's worth, I really am grateful this happened to me now. I have grown tremendously from this experience, and while I am not perfect or say the right things all the time, I do accept responsibility for the role that I played in any tensions between me and some of the people I have talked about here. I am closing this chapter out. I am not going to dwell on my past relationships any longer. I learned that nothing that I do or say can change anything that happened. Some people are always looking for the next big thing and can not be truly happy with what they have and are not willing to put in the ground work needed to make things work. So they run, just like their role models did for them growing up. I was raised to stick it out and push through the hard times, to dig deep when things get tough. I know now that this happened to me for many reasons, but I think most importantly, to show me the type of person who I don't want to be with. I have seen people and their true colors and now I can better understand who is a true friend or who is just fake. Aside from those closing comments on that matter, I am wiping the slate clean from this moment on.

A fresh start is always appealing to the ear, but what exactly does that mean? I can't answer that question for you, but for me it means many changes. I have been very busy! An opportunity presented itself to me a few weeks ago that was honestly perfect timing for me. My family needs my help. So, in just a week from tomorrow, I will be on a plane headed to Orlando, FL. Once I arrive, I will meet up with my beautiful sister Jaime and my awesome brother in law Zach. I will be helping them around the house and with their 2 dogs, then eventually helping them move cross country to (hopefully) Tuscon, AZ. Once settled there, I will be flying back to Oregon, picking up Yogi and my car, then driving back down to Arizona. It will definitely be an adventure for me to be able to go to places I have never been before and I am so excited for all the new people I am about to meet! Then what? Well, I have been thinking about going back to school for a long time, So once I get to where I am going, I will be looking around at a few schools and hopefully start in the fall term of next year. Anyways, that is all for now. I have a ton of packing and stuff to do. I will find some time to write more about this adventure and more soon!

Sometimes You're The Windshield, Sometimes You're The Bug

Hello again.

I have tried to write this post I think at least 4 times now. As I have mentioned before in earlier posts, coming up with the right words to say, and even what to share and what shouldn't is sometimes a fine line that I have to tread lightly. I almost didn't write this post, in fear of what would happen if I did. But then I remembered that this is my place for my thoughts and what is truly going on with me. If anyone else doesn't like it, then that is unfortunate for them but I don't really care. Without holding anything back this time, here we go.

In my last post, I was talking about how I was starting to take small steps to feel better on a daily basis. Things had began to look positive for me for the first time in what felt like forever. But life has a tendency to push our limits. When I thought that things couldn't possibly be any worse, I find out some interesting new developments that started this whole cycle I had almost completed all over again. It is a simple cycle, really. It begins with confusion, then anger, then resentment, finally coming to a slow halt of depression before finally bouncing back out of the funk and truly moving on. I had just gotten to the point where I was thinking it would all work out and I could move on and keep being happy. And then, it all came crashing down through a simple text. "I need to talk to you man."

Let's keep in mind for a minute the past month and a half for me. I just had my fiance' who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, end things with me. Which has been the hardest thing I have had to deal with as of yet. In so many ways, I was ready for all of it. I was ready to be fully committed to someone, to doing anything I could to help better our lives together. As you know, there have been many ups and downs in this time for me. I have still been doing my normal routine of going to work, talking and really spilling my guts to the people around me. My co worker and I had gotten to know each other pretty well over the summer and since we work together every day, literally side by side, we became friends. He was recently out of a long term relationship too and is honestly a great guy. I wish I could say anything bad about him but I can't. Anyways, he shoots me that text one day after work. As I am driving home, about to pull into my apartment complex, my mind is racing.

I imagine a work issue, but brush that off since I know we talk daily about anything like that so my
mind goes on and on imagining every scenario. Instantly, I had a sick, terrible feeling creep up from the pit of my stomach, inching it's way slowly to come to its dreadful rest in the back of my throat where it waits hauntingly, making breathing normally almost impossible. As I am dreading the inevitable, the knock I had been waiting for comes. My heart is racing now. He comes into my apartment and I can see on his face he isn't happy about what he is about to tell me. Reluctantly, I asked what was going on. He proceeds to tell me that him and Sarah had been seeing each other for about a month now. This guy, who I had been confiding in literally everyday all of my thoughts and feelings about what I am dealing with since our breakup. I'll be honest, as any guy would in that situation, it was all I could do to not explode. I wanted so badly to get angry, violent, reckless. But luckily, I was in a good mood that day. I thought about everything rationally, the fact we all still work together, the fact that people move on and change. But I still couldn't help feeling betrayed. I had thought I had a friend in my new co worker, and he even helped me move out of the apartment I had with Sarah, But now, I couldn't help but feeling like he helped me get out just so he could get in.

I know that all of those feelings were normal, and in a way now it all made sense. I was confused before but now suddenly, it was all crystal clear. He explained they didn't do anything to intentionally hurt me, but I feel like every day they lied to me by not speaking up. There were many people that knew, other co workers, friends I made up here, residents at the apartment complex I had gotten to know. I felt like even more of a fool. I'll be honest, the weight of everything was all on my shoulders. Keeping everything civil at our work was my first thought. In other circumstances, say if I didn't have a job on the line I am depending on right now, I would have not handled things this way. I talked it out with him, even wished him and her the best of luck. I am not ashamed to admit that even though I gave her everything she ever told me she wanted, maybe the thing that went wrong was that it was me that was giving her all those things. I understand that you can't help who you have feelings for and who you want to pursue, but at the same time. I had to step back and really evaluate a lot of the people who were in my life. I have realized who my true friends are over the past few months and even more so, to be careful about who I let into my life. In so many ways I feel broken. My heart is torn to pieces and then it was stomped on right in front of me by people who said they cared about me and were my friends.

I don't really know what my next move is. In so many ways, I want to leave. In the past, any time things have gotten so uncomfortable for me where I am at, I take it as a sign from the universe that my job there is done. It has happened to me in my hometown of Big Bear Lake, in Santa Barbara, Orange County, Portland, and so many other places. I tend to just run from the things that bring me pain. And I don't know if I want to do the same thing again. I guess it seems like I am free to go do whatever I want now, but that's the thing. I don't necessarily know where I want to go or where I will end up. But I know that in the meantime, I will hold my head up. I will continue to face them everyday. Deal with seeing them together and looking truly happy. Which hurts the most. I truly hope that they can be happy together. I tried all I could to keep her happy to no avail. But sometimes, you end up with the wrong people.

This thanksgiving, I couldn't help but feel grateful that I dodged a bullet. I almost spent the rest of my life with that woman. I can see now that we truly were not meant to be. I can't wait to find the one I am supposed to be with. I will keep searching. I have had some dark days full of terrible thoughts and am not proud to admit that I have made some mistakes when I was at that point. But from rock bottom, the only way to go is up. Keep me in your prayers. I could use all of it that I can get to stay positive, and optimistic. Sometimes, I feel like there is no way things could get worse. But I am afraid to say that in fear of what else might come to light. I must remind myself that the Lord never gives us any more than we can handle. I feel like I don't think I can handle too much more. So keep me in your thoughts, Send me an uplifting message or some form of encouragement. You never know when that is all someone might need to keep going. And remember, in life, sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you're the bug. But just because you are the bug today, doesn't mean you can't be the windshield tomorrow.

Baby Steps

Hello!

It is that time of year again, the cold has finally showed it's face enough to give us the preview of what is coming. Like the current weather, these past few weeks I have felt cold. I was angry, bitter, resentful, hurt and confused and despite my best efforts, I felt like I had become a cold person. At first I was unsure of how to really move on even though I knew I had to. I knew that I needed to change my mindset. In one of my families favorite movies, "What About Bob?" starring Richard Dreyfus as Leo Marvin and Bill Murray as Bob Wiley. In this hilarious movie, to put it simply, Bob has problems. When Bob seeks the help of a psychiatrist, Leo tells him about his revolutionary new book called Baby Steps. The concept is simple, in everything you do, make small goals for yourself and work on accomplishing those goals one small step at a time. I needed to Baby Step my way through the past few weeks to get to where I am now. There has been closure, the beginnings of new connections, and personal goals accomplished. I feel like I am making good progress despite how new all of these changes are and how quickly it all happened. I truly believe that everyone we meet and everything that happens to us in life makes us who we are and helps us to grow as a person. I am not even close to perfect, but I am trying my best in all I am doing. I have had new people come into my life that have shown me that I am not alone, there are people like me who have similar situations as I do and sometimes that is all you need to know. That even in your darkest hours, there is someone out there going through something just like what you are. It seems to me that certain people come into our lives when we need them to the most. I am happy to be starting this new journey. In so many ways I feel a freedom that is so new to me. I can go anywhere and do anything that I want to and I have big plans to do that. In the meantime, I will keep enjoying the ride. Maybe see what baby steps you can make this month, try something new! See what happens, I am and I have to say it is exciting. I will write more soon. Happy Saturday and remember it all starts with a baby step!

Cutting the Ties

Hello again.

Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that no matter what is said or done, nothing will change how things have already happened in the past. At first, I was driving myself crazy trying to make sense of everything. I had so many questions I thought I wanted answered. I am not perfect in any way, but I felt like I was doing the best that I could despite my frustrations. I had a roller coaster of feelings surging through me at any given time. One minute I was happy and looking forward to the future, then I would think about something that made me look back at my past and wished I could change things. I would become depressed, sad and angry all at the same time. It may sound weird, but I thought maybe I could still fight for what I thought I had. I realize now that when some people have their mind made up, there is no going back for them. Decisions were made, and reactions occurred for everyone close enough to feel the wake. And honestly, it hurts. For every action, there is a reaction.

Eventually, I felt myself becoming bitter, because it was the only time I didn't feel bad about myself. I know that sounds terrible and it really was. I hated it, I hated thinking the way I was and the way it made me feel. I felt like I needed a change of pace if I was ever going to snap out of it. And finally, I just decided i had to let go. I wanted to write about other things more than my personal situation, but sometimes all the other things don't really matter or come out quite right. This is what is on my mind today. Things were said that I regret, but strangely at the same time don't because that is what I was feeling at the time. I said what I needed to and what was honestly on my mind. I had to really just cut the ties that were holding me back from moving on and being happy and stop putting everyone else first for a change and follow my own advice and live for myself. Remove my investments from the situation so to speak. I had invested quite a bit of my time, possessions, energy, emotions and so on into that, and while somethings I got back, others I never will. What I realize now is that this is what was meant to happen eventually. While I am grateful this happened to me when it did instead of in the future when things could have been much more complicated, it still hurts just the same.

I'm just trying my best to look forward now. Waiting for the real one to come show me what I've been missing. In the meantime, it is my turn to do what I want for me. No more holding back, no more looking at all of the things of the past wishing they were different. Just focusing on what I need to do for me, with no regrets. Words can cut sharply, but just like a bruise, time heals all wounds. Maybe if it is just not working, it just isn't the right timing. A friend once told me that trust is gained in inches and lost in miles. I love how true that is, one thing can ruin your feelings of trust for someone overnight. Gaining it back however, may never be accomplished. I have no time for apologies. I used to get told by my dad to not be sorry, just don't do it. I didn't understand it then, but it really is a simple concept. It is amazing to me how 2 words can be all that you can muster to say, and sometimes it is all that needs to be said, while other times it is never enough to hear from someone. It can sound like such an insult. I found myself asking, "sorry for what?" I don't want an apology. That means nothing to me, I want actions shown to me that proves you have the slightest idea how I feel. I know I won't get them, and so I look forward to the day I meet the one who is truly worth risking everything I have for. Until that day comes, I'm going to continue doing my best to move on with my life, and look forward to the future. I have big dreams, I won't let anything hold me back this time.

The Ever Present Darkness

Hello friends.

I want to talk about something sad that I found out yesterday. It is never an easy topic to discuss. I spent the summer working at an apartment complex, I met and really enjoyed working with a certain crew of people who we contracted out to do the carpet and linoleum flooring replacement. This one crew stood out to me more than any others. These guys just showed up and got things done, they worked hard and communicated well with each other and with us maintenance guys who were working alongside them. This one guy was only a year older than me. I remember him being so positive and just always in a good mood. He was often our bridge when things would get lost in translation between the little Spanish we knew. Despite the small language barrier, I loved working with those guys, the morale was awesome and we would always help each other out however we could.

I was working in an apartment yesterday afternoon when I got some bad news. That guy that was only 1 year older than me, had committed suicide just 2 days after I saw him last week. His tragic decision left behind a tremendous wake of grief and mourning for not only his family, but also those who knew him. I didn't know him very well, but that is always the type of news that just snaps you back to reality. Unfortunately, I am no stranger to having people around me make that same tragic final decision. My good friend that I grew up with and went to church with took his life when I was still in high school. Then later, one of my favorite teachers that I had did the same thing. I want anyone who reads this to know the true devastation that comes from that. I have seen it tear towns and families apart, spiral others into heavy drinking or narcotics. Really there is no good that can come from it in my opinion. I know how comforting the darkness can sound. However there is deceit lurking behind the whisper. Don't run away from your problems. Don't try to mask them with drugs or alcohol. I say face them head on, laughing and smiling, and asking what else you got? No matter what happens to you, you have a choice on how to react. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. It's just the way the world works.

I've struggled with depression off and on since I was about 16. I had terrible acne and was put on a medication called Accutane which had a long term side effect of causing depression. Overall, I am happy and feeling good but recently with everything going on and the stresses from it all, I have been having ups and downs, highs and lows and unfortunately, I have to be honest and say that at my lowest point it included some dark thoughts. I was in a lot of pain emotionally and it felt at one point that maybe it was too much to handle. I am way beyond that now and a huge reality check hit me yesterday when I got that awful news. I wish I could say I had nothing like that come even remotely close to my mind, but I can't. Now don't worry, it was only a very brief moment of a ton of emotions and thoughts running through my head, but I saw it for what it was and shook it from my mind. And I am in no way planning on doing anything to harm myself or others. Just so that is clear. I chose life, because with all the things there is to live for, there is really no comparison. I have had some terrible luck in some areas and fantastic luck in others. I realized that this life is what you make it. You have a choice to live this life to the fullest, or you can stay hidden in your shell. I know I'm busting out of my shell. I have changed and I am proud of who I have become. I am leaving the old me behind. I am a new person now, and that is whoever I want to be. You have the same choice, whatever you want to be, be the best you can at it.

That is all for tonight. Keep your heads up friends and I will do the same. The world is an awesome place, you just have to look for the true beauty in it and not be fooled by the ever present darkness. Always stay looking towards the brighter side of things and living more in the moment. Don't overlook the little things. Above all else, keep being yourself. Someone is going to truly love you for you so don't mask who you are. If you are having a hard time with something and need someone to talk to, I am always available. Many of you have reached out to me and told me the same and I want you to know how much I truly appreciate that. I thank you all so much for being in my life. God Bless and Goodnight!

Keep Going

Hello!

It has been a while since I wrote. Sometimes, It is hard to come up with the right way to convey what is on my mind. I ended my last post talking about how I got to school and me finally taking a big first step toward my dream. I remember I almost waited to attend school, there was a new program starting the last week in August or I could wait for the next one in January. My best friend and room mate at the time asked me a simple question. He said "Why would you sit around and wait for something when you can literally start doing what you love right away?" He was right. I have a bad procrastination problem. Sometimes it is wise to be cautious and guarded about the moves we make, while other times it is for the best to just dive in headfirst. I needed to stop waiting around to follow my dreams. Just like now, I need to stop waiting around to be happy again.

I will talk more about school and audio later, but I want to just take a moment to explain a realization that happened to me this week. I had been having trouble being able to come up with the right wording for what I wanted to keep writing about. I started writing a few posts, but then decided it wasn't time for those thoughts and feelings quite yet or even if I wanted to share certain things. In life, much like the elevator business, there are definitely ups and downs. But it was shown to me today how one simple act can completely turn your perspective around. I had been having a rough past few days. I was a wreck and trapped in my head with dark thoughts and I just felt terrible. I was watching How I Met Your Mother when it got to the point in the show where Marshall's fiance had left him to pursue her dream of going to art school. He was a wreck, he didn't do anything he used to do and finally Ted yells at him how pathetic he is. It kind of hit home for me. I didn't want to end up like Marshall did, months later still moping around the house. But just like him, I felt those same feelings of loss, and the pain that comes with it. I have talked to my close friends and family and each person that I have talked to has given me great encouragement and support. But still, when the conversation ended, and I was left to be alone with my thoughts, I didn't like what I was hearing.

I woke up today in a better mood today and was trying to figure out what to do with my day when I got a text message. Quick side note, Minus the Bear is probably my favorite band of all time. I first discovered them when I was in high school. My friend showed me a few of their songs, and at first I wasn't too into them. After going to see them live, I was hooked. I had never seen a band so well connected with each other and put on such a flawless performance. Their music has always reached me on a deeper level. I became sort of obsessed, listening to all of their songs and albums. They always seem to meet me right where I'm at. More on some of their shows I've been to and this amazing band later. Anyways, a friend had found an album of theirs on vinyl that I have been trying to find for a long time and thought of me and bought it for me. Now I only need a few more to complete my collection! I love how something so small completely turned my day around. One simple, kind act is all it took. Thank you. You know who you are. I have so many things I want to accomplish. I want to write about many topics and tell you some of the many stories. I have. I don't know what order I am going to tell you all of these things, but if you want get to know me and my thoughts more, you are just going to have to keep reading.

I will end this post with the following thought. We all have a choice in how we deal with situations. I for one and going to do my best to hold my head up, despite how low I want to hang it sometimes. I will try to be more positive, even if it is just a little bit more each day. To those of you who are struggling too, I urge you to do the same. As hard as it is to do so, look on the bright side of life. I know how hard it is to try to be happy when all you want to do is wallow in self pity . But sometimes, when we least expect it, we are shown the right thing at the right time. Keep going! Never stop waiting for your time, one day, it will come.

Moving On

Hello again!

Happy Sunday to you all! I have been up since 5:45 am. As I am in no way a morning person, it is not an easy task to drag myself out of bed in the mornings, especially that early! What a day to run out of coffee! I started the day in a bad mood. There has been many challenging things I have had to deal with in the past few weeks that have weighed on my mind like no other. But as I was on my way to church, I realized something. I hadn't seen the sunrise in so long! As I made my way through the side streets, I had to stop for a minute and enjoy the amazing view. I posted a picture of it on my Instagram this morning if you would like to see it. I love how something so simple can be taken completely for granted, but then, when you need a little beauty in your life, there it is. What a complete turning point in my day! I love volunteering my time and being a part of the outstanding team of people that arrive on Sunday mornings with a positive and welcoming attitude. The amount of work we get completed in the time we have is truly an amazing experience that you need to witness to fully grasp. I would like to say thanks again to all of you who have taken the time to read my stories and have given me encouragement, I really appreciate it more than you know. I have decided to make this a regular thing, as it is becoming very therapeutic for me. If you don't like it, don't read it. I do wish however that if you don't like something I write or it offends you in any way, please write me and tell me why. I will do my best to further explain what I was talking about and or coming from at that time if you would like me to.

I ended my last post with a fun story from when I was living in Santa Barbara. Despite the good times I was having, I was struggling with many things. I was in a very different stage in life that I am now, but very similarly, it was time to move on again. I had built some incredible friendships there that I still cherish today. I would like to briefly touch on a few things that happened from the time I decided to leave Santa Barbara to a few years after that. I moved back in with my parents, who at the time, had been working very hard. My dad with multiple jobs, and my mom as my Grandmother's primary caregiver. While I was working full time, I also was learning my Grandma's routine and trying to do whatever I could to help my parents out around the house and by taking care of her while they were out so that they could be free to spend some alone time together and not have to worry about if she was doing okay. She had developed many different health problems, but primarily was suffering from Alzheimer's and Dementia. It was no easy task, but she and I had a very special bond that made her very comfortable around me. I am so glad that I was there for her, those times are some of my favorite memories of her. After being there for some time, it became more and more aware to me that is was yet another new chapter in my life and time to move yet again. If you haven't noticed, I move a LOT. Probably way more than normal people, haha. This time I would venture to Orange County with a friend of mine and my parents had decided to move as well and leave California. They wanted my Grandma to be back at her home in Rogue River, Oregon. Along with my parents leaving, both of my sisters were already gone or were planning on leaving California soon. I felt like I had nothing left for me there anymore. Of course, I still had some amazing friendships that I had developed strong bonds with and If it wasn't for those friends being there for me in that time, I don't know where or who I would be today.

My dad  was a Tile Contractor for as far back as I could remember. I don't know if you are familiar with the process of tile setting, but it is extremely labor intensive. There was never a dull moment on the many jobs I worked on with my dad, we would work very hard from the second we got there, until we finally got in the truck at the end of the day. As much as I hated it then, I am so grateful for that experience now. I learned at a very young age the true value of hard work and determination of seeing things through to the end, and the fulfilling feelings of accomplishment and the joys of seeing the progress day by day of what we had finished. What we did with our hands was always so gratifying to see the finished product. We have done some extremely custom work in some very expensive homes and I was always astonished at how it all came together in the end.

A few months before my parents had decided to move, I got hurt. Not emotionally, but physically. Due to legal reasons, I can not talk about the details of what happened. I can say that I was told by my doctors that I would never be able to work like I used to and that I will now and forever be permanently disabled. This was a huge deal for me at the time, as I was thinking about opening my own business doing kitchen and bathroom remodels. Now all of the sudden, I am told I can't do what I have been doing my whole life and what I was planning on doing with my future. I could not longer throw a 100 pound bag of cement over each shoulder and haul it up 3 flights of stairs. I didn't know what I was going to do. I had been doing construction since I could see over a tile saw and even though I didn't really want to make that my career, I liked having that as a backup plan in case I needed the work. In a way, I felt like my hands, the ones that I had used to create some amazing things, were now useless. I knew I had to figure out what my plan was now. After my parents left, I really felt like I was truly alone for the first time in my life. I had moved in with a friend in Orange County and I will be forever grateful for them opening up their home to me and taking me in with no hesitation. Even though I was in a great living situation and I loved being there, I could not help but feel like an intruder. I knew that I was somewhat of a burden to them, and I just wasn't able to become fully comfortable. I began to cling closely to my friends with the hopes that I could feel like I belonged again.

Now, I was also in the process of healing. I had begun a rigorous physical therapy and acupuncture routine to help with my injury. I have to admit, the slow progress was extremely frustrating. I just wanted to do normal things again like I used to. I still have pain every day, but I am learning to deal with it as best as I can and am getting stronger every day. I am much better now as far as the day to day goes, but long term I know that is always something I will have to deal with. It is amazing how much the mind plays a factor in healing. I was seeing no progress after a few months of physical therapy and was becoming more and more depressed and even comfortable with the idea that I would never get better. There was a physical therapist that could see how frustrated I was and gave me some great words of wisdom, She said that I will never see any progress if I don't change my mindset. No easy task, but she was right. I had started with the doctors words ringing in my ear. Almost like an evil conscience, I would hear "you will never be the same" "it is always going to hurt" "It is never going to get better". And I believed it, so I decided to try something new. I started my routine the next day by giving myself a little pep talk. I would convince myself that I would progress that day, even if it was by the slightest amount. And eventually, I started seeing the progress come to the surface. I felt better, I was happier and things were starting to look up!

While doing all of this, I was faced with my next challenge, finding work that I enjoy and can do with my physical limitations. I had many different jobs in this time, primarily in office settings, answering phones, sending emails, basic stuff like that or serving in a restaurant. I couldn't stand it. I felt like another mindless zombie just on the standard 9-5 grind. No one I worked with liked their job and it showed. I decided I needed to get out of the rat race for a little mini vacation and booked a flight to see my parents in Oregon around my 21st birthday, I remember I was sitting on the front porch with my Dad, just discussing life and the challenges I had been facing lately. I will never forget what he told me that day. As I was explaining my plan for the next year, I told him I was thinking about going back to school. He told me "Figure out now what you can see yourself getting out of bed for in 30 years and being happy about going to work." That was a huge reality check for me, I knew I didn't want to go to school for 2 or more years to study something that I may not even like or want to do when I graduated. I didn't want to do anything that would make me unhappy in the future. So I spent a long time thinking about what I had been doing my whole life and what could lead to a great career.

It was then that I realized, I had been doing stuff with sound and music since I could remember.
I got my start when my Dad signed me up for baseball. I remember that we had a PA system that we used for opening and closing ceremonies. We would set it up and I would play some background music, will my Dad worked with the organizers of the event to announce and host. My parents were both also heavily involved in the church. My Dad was a worship leader and my Mom worked with the youth ministry.  When I was in 8th grade I started learning how to mix live sound from the sound guy at one of the many churches we attended. He taught me the basics of signal flow, simple EQ, and how to build a solid blend of all the instruments without overpowering anything. Eventually, I started filling in for him when he couldn't make it and I got some great experiences. My Dad also taught me a lot about set up and tear down since he has been playing guitar for years. I remembered going to a plethora of live shows when I was growing up as well. I have always loved music and felt like it has been such an amazing way of bringing people together and expressing yourself creatively. I have been to more shows than I could count. From small cafe' and coffee shop open mic nights, to the arena rock legend bands like Rush. I've seen some fantastic performances and have always been drawn to that atmosphere where people can finally be free to express how they feel and just let loose. The energy rush from the ability to reach people and enhance their experience through the power of music is beyond indescribable. It is like no other feeling I have experienced.

The interesting thing was that I suddenly just knew what I wanted to do. Up until then, I had not even the slightest idea what I wanted to do. I had entertained some thoughts, but never really knew without the shadow of a doubt. Not only that, but I knew how I needed to do it. I found an awesome school in LA called Pinnacle College. I called and asked a few questions after spending a weekend going through all the pictures of the studios, reading about the Instructors I made the call. I set up an appointment for the following day. I'll never forget the drive to the school to take the tour. I was getting of the freeway and just browsing radio stations when I heard a commercial for the school I was about to walk into. As I got out of the car, I saw a few of the kids around the school on their break. One kid was wearing headphones and crouched over a laptop while another kid was playing a guitar plugged into a DI box then running through ProTools on the laptop. They were both just rocking out! Hahaha, I was laughing the whole way to the door. As I walked into the hallway I saw a staircase leading down. The paint in the hallway was a super bright white, and as soon as I took the first step down, I noticed the walls had changed to Black and Purple paint on the walls. I felt like a little kid in a candy store. There were gold albums and all sorts of different plaques and awards hanging up. Right in front of the office was the Main Studio. It was like nothing I had ever seen in my life. I knew that I was in the right place.

I'm going to end this post on that point in my journey. I will touch more on school and audio stuff as we continue in my future posts. I have been working on this for the past 3 days. I hope you know that the things I am writing about are not for any intent other than my own personal growth. I feel strongly that getting things out of your head and writing how you really feel is very beneficial. I do not have any ulterior motive here. I do not want my stories and what I write to have any negative effect on anyone or anything. I am not trying to make myself out to be a hero that got incredibly screwed over, or some sob story that is just going to go on and on about how horrible things are. I am not doing any of this for anyone other than myself, really. I am finding out a bunch of things about myself that I had forgotten about and am looking back to hopefully gain some wisdom on how to move forward. I am moving on with my life. I am doing things for me and my own gain. It may sound selfish, but I have never done that before. I have always been more focused on others and now I am seeing how if you don't take care of yourself and your own personal issues, the things you bottle up inside you ending tearing you apart in the long run. I've been down that road before, and I won't do that to myself again. From here on out, I am making myself priority number one. The way I am choosing to do this may be taboo or out of the ordinary, but I am inviting you to come on this journey of mine in the hopes that maybe you can shed some light on a few things I bring up. Maybe you remember talking to me around that time or even if you have been through similar challenges, lets talk about it! I am all ears. I'm officially opening myself up to you and your thoughts by sharing some of mine. I hope to gain wisdom from you and try to understand your perspective and how I can apply that to my life, I will constantly strive to stay positive and uplifting, even through one of the most difficult times in my life thus far. I like quotes, so here is one of my favorites that I feel directly applies to where I am at now. "We have 1 mouth and 2 ears so that we can listen twice as much as we speak".

Beginning #2

Hello my friends!

I want to thank you all for the comments and messages that I have received on my last post, Your kind words of encouragement and support have helped me tremendously. I sincerely appreciate all of you! I can easily say that today was the best day I have had in a while and I have you all to thank for that. And also I have to give some credit where it is due and say that today was so incredibly beautiful! It is my favorite time of year right now, right when it is just cold enough to throw on a sweatshirt, but also just warm enough that you don't have to. A bright, and sunny day in Eugene is rare. Take time to enjoy the little things in your life, you will be glad you did.

This post may be a bit too long for some of you, but suck it up because I have a LOT to talk about. I am not exactly sure what this will turn into or what my point is yet, but I am going to start by writing about what I have gone through and the things that I have learned thus far. I may not have it all figured out yet, but I am willing to share with you my life from my point of view at the time and what I was dealing with. I also want to let all of know a few things about my present, past and future posts on this blog. This is not now, and never will be an outlet for juicy gossip, this is not a place where I will bad mouth or talk poorly of anyone that is involved in my life. If that is what you are looking for then I am sorry but you have come to the wrong place. I am way past that. I will do my best to be respectful of everyone. I may, however leave out or change some names, but strictly for that person's personal privacy. If you ever have a question or a comment, want me to discuss a topic or if something that I say offends you or even if you want to just say you liked something I said, please take the time to write me an email about it. I promise to do my best to reach out to you as soon as I can. Other than that, this is the real deal. My life. One blog post at a time. 

Many of you know me as who I was while I was in High School. I must say, I have changed quite a bit since then. I feel like the best way to really understand me and where I am at now is to start there, since that is when most of you probably remember me. If you have stayed in touch with me or seen me since, you may know all of this already and if you are a newer friend that I have made, you will probably learn a bunch about me you may not know so I guess that bearing with me and reading this could be fun for you. This is my place to write what I want to and how I want to do it, so if you are going to read it, you have to deal with it! Hahaha this is fun. Let's get really wild and out of control and do something out of the norm........................................................................................................ :)

Ready for a flashback? No? Too bad, because that just happened. Now it's 2009!
I am about to move from my hometown of Big Bear Lake, Ca and venture into the "real world" so to speak. Life in Big Bear was amazing and I am truly blessed to have such an awesome community to grow up in. Even though I hated being there when I was younger and thought I was basically trapped on the mountain, I felt like I had to get out of there while I still could. Many of my friends had moved already or were planning to move soon. In some ways, I felt like everything was very suddenly moving way too fast! We had literally just graduated and some people were already gone, some married or engaged to be, and others pregnant, and of course them everyone else I grew up with was moving to new towns and even states for college and jobs, or the Military. Around this time, I was also dating a girl whose name I will leave out, but i'm sure some of you know who I am talking about. We had been dating off and on for almost 3 years. I had some amazing life experiences with her. She and I were compatible, however looking back now I feel like we were both way too young to know what we wanted in ourselves, let alone as a couple. She taught me many things in the time that I was with her. Unfortunately for my sake, the best thing she ever taught me was also the last thing she taught me, She taught me to be careful who I trust. I had put my complete trust in her, only to find out certain things that made me feel like a terrible fool. Cheated, and betrayed and lied to every day for a very extended amount of time. Dealing with all that realization and pain, along with the pains from the deaths of some close friends and some of the most amazing people I had met in my life. All of these plus a combination of other things at 19 was devastating for me. I was in desperate need of an escape.

So, with my family moving off the mountain, being recently single and having all of my friends leaving, I knew it was time for me to go. I packed my car full of everything I had. I drove to Santa Barbara, Ca with enough money only for the first months rent, groceries and maybe some change left over. I had no solid job lined up, but I was just going to get by as best as I could. I got an apartment with my best friend at the time. He and I were inseparable, we did everything together, he became and will always be my brother. We were both in a similar stage in life and knew we just wanted to let loose. And we did, oh man, we did! To this day, I have never partied harder than when I was living there. We would go out around 8-9pm and not come home until around 7-9am. Then sleep all day, and then do it again. We stumbled around a few house parties and eventually found and were almost instantly accepted to join forces with one of the most notorious party houses in Isla Vista (IV) called The Marley House. Actually here is a little fun fact for you, I was one of the last tenants to live there with the mural on the wall before they renovated the house and painted over the mural. I also was the first tenant to discover that they had painted it. I can't tell you all of the many stories of me and my experiences in that house, but I will share some of the more memorable stories in the future. It was there where I really found my true calling even though I didn't know it at the time.

In the midst of all the chaos, I found something I was really good at. For those of you who have never heard of that house, or what went on there, basically we put on free concerts ranging from DJ's to Reggae, Rock and other local bands in our front yard almost every weekend. And if I recall correctly, sometimes multiple shows per week. I found that I was able to create a playlist on an I-pod, laptop, whatever, and draw people in and get them to come dance and have a good time. I was also running sound for most of the shows. Which really sounds more glamorous that it was. Myself along with the other guys who lived in the house, (well, most of them) would do everything from building stages and props, decorating, getting people to come to the show, set up and tear down all gear and equipment, run lighting, shoot videos and take photos, making the singers tea before shows, and everything in between. Some of the best shows I have seen were in that courtyard or another house/lawn party in IV and all of those memories of my time there are treasured. Before long, I grew to become uncomfortable. It's the same feeling I always get before I move again.  I knew that eventually I would have to leave Santa Barbara. I didn't want to go though, there is a certain way of life and a beauty that is unsurpassed by any where else I have ever been. Eventually, however  I just couldn't fight it anymore, it was time to go.

I will tell you one very true story of Santa Barbara and my time there to close this post out. I was in the living room with my roommates, probably talking about the show from the last weekend, when suddenly a phone rings. After hearing my room mate say "Cops?!" "Up the street?" Coming here?"  I grew nervous. He puts down the phone and says "So, Verna Beware and another local band were playing a living room show when the cops broke it up. They are moving the show to here. 2 trucks full of gear will be here any minute. We are having a freaking show tonight!" We went outside to try to throw together some sort of plan while having a smoke. By the time I finished mine, I looked up and the trucks were pulling into the driveway. We immediately got to work and I swear to God, within just a mere 5 minutes we had the band fully setup, sound checked and playing live. The crowd appeared basically out of no where and it was on. Now keep in mind that we had a noise curfew in IV that started at exactly 12:00 am. By 11:50 pm there was a line of Sheriffs surrounding our property. I killed the audio within seconds of the curfew. I told the band, my room mates and the cops I would make sure it was off before midnight. I'll never forget the look of the cop behind me, I knew they wanted to give us a citation so badly, but I stretched it out and told the band to keep playing as long as I possibly could. He looked back at me and just shook his head, rolled his eyes then started laughing. He then pointed to me and joked with the cop to his left that "That kid is good. A punk ass, definitely! but he's good."

Okay my friends, I have been working on this all night since I got home from work and I think I need to eat something and relax. I hope you all are well and enjoying reading this. Feel free to comment, message, share, like, whatever you want to do. If you would like to, reach out to me, I will do my best to reach back! I would not be the person I am today without you in my life. No matter how small the part. Thanks for being a part of my journey! So much more to come. This really, is only the beginning.

Beginning

Hello to all who have decided to read my blog.

On here, I will be honest, open and tell it exactly how it is. I may bring up some tough things since it is an emotional time for me. I hope that you are a close friend or family member or much of this won't make sense. If you are not, I will try to explain the situation as best as I can.
I have never blogged before so forgive me if this is not the norm. Writing has always been a strong way for me to really gather all the thoughts and emotions in my head and make sense of them. So, naturally, I thought this was a great way to start something new, and get some of those thoughts out of my head. Let's begin, shall we?

Where to begin? There is so much going on in my life right now. Let's start with where I am now. Physically, I am located in Eugene, Oregon. I love it here! There is so much beauty all around me it's almost too much. I just got my own place. My first place to have things exactly where I want them, not having to share space with anyone else (except my dog, Yogi) is kind of nice. I have never had that before so that is exciting! I am working full time as a Maintenance Technician at a student housing complex here. I love what I do. I fix things all day and really have learned a ton and made some awesome new friends in the process. Service with a smile!

Emotionally, to be honest I'm a wreck. I was, up until a few days ago, happily engaged to what I thought was the love of my life. I was so incredibly happy with her despite our challenges. She has brought so much joy into my life and I have spent some of the best moments of my life by her side. To make a long story very short, things didn't work out. I will leave the details regarding why out of the picture. Stop being nosy! Haha, just kidding, but if you would like to know more about my situation you can always send me a private message on Facebook or to my email address, nathan.dorsey07@gmail.com

Anyways, let us move on from that topic. I labeled this post "Beginning" because I am just starting the next chapter in my life. I am doing my best to remain positive and optimistic about the future. God, is that hard. Isn't it strange how one day, you can wake up in one mindset and by sundown, you are on a completely different track? I don't mean the obvious, wake up, get ready vs, clean up the house, go to bed mindset. I am talking lifestyle. Take me for example, two weeks ago tomorrow, I woke up and I was engaged to be married to a lovely woman, and by the time I went to bed that night, I knew things were going to end. This is extremely difficult to write as I am still processing all of my emotions and thoughts literally as I write, so bear with me.

My mindset now is, what can I do today that will better myself and Yogi tomorrow? Where as before, it was what can I do today that will not only benefit me and the dog, but her as well. How can I be a better man for her today? What little thing could I do that hopefully she will notice and smile? Now she is gone, not from this world or from my life completely, but gone enough to hurt. I have done a lot of soul searching these last two weeks and this is what I have decided to do. Among many other things, I am going to write! And explore, go on adventures, meet new people, take time out of my day to make someone smile. I will work hard (that's never been a problem for me, thanks dad!) I will strive every day to be better than I was yesterday. It may take me some time, but I will get there. I have also decided to get back in shape, I know I've said this before, but now I really mean it. No more excuses. If you are reading this and know of anything I can do to start slowly and build up a routine, please comment below or send me a message! Besides that, I also want to dive into Audio again. That is a true passion of mine that I have put on the back burner and now regret. I am currently volunteering at a church up here called Ekklesia. Google Ekklesia Eugene if you are in the area (or just curious) and want to check out an awesome church! You can find me there on Sunday mornings from 6am on. I will share my adventures, encounters and a lot more on here in the future. Stay tuned.

Wow, this is all over the place, but this is what I need, and to be completely honest I'm doing this more for me than I am for you. But, if you feel like engaging your brain and trying to understand me and my thought process more, feel free. I am an open book, A very long book that will probably bore you, but its my damn book anyways. :) Check this often, as I will try to write at least once a week, but hopefully more. Yogi is begging me to take him for a walk so this is all for tonight.

I will end this first post with a scripture that has become my life motto.
Joshua 1:9 "I will be Strong and Courageous, I will not be terrified or discouraged for I know that the Lord, my God, is with me wherever I go."