Moving On

Hello again!

Happy Sunday to you all! I have been up since 5:45 am. As I am in no way a morning person, it is not an easy task to drag myself out of bed in the mornings, especially that early! What a day to run out of coffee! I started the day in a bad mood. There has been many challenging things I have had to deal with in the past few weeks that have weighed on my mind like no other. But as I was on my way to church, I realized something. I hadn't seen the sunrise in so long! As I made my way through the side streets, I had to stop for a minute and enjoy the amazing view. I posted a picture of it on my Instagram this morning if you would like to see it. I love how something so simple can be taken completely for granted, but then, when you need a little beauty in your life, there it is. What a complete turning point in my day! I love volunteering my time and being a part of the outstanding team of people that arrive on Sunday mornings with a positive and welcoming attitude. The amount of work we get completed in the time we have is truly an amazing experience that you need to witness to fully grasp. I would like to say thanks again to all of you who have taken the time to read my stories and have given me encouragement, I really appreciate it more than you know. I have decided to make this a regular thing, as it is becoming very therapeutic for me. If you don't like it, don't read it. I do wish however that if you don't like something I write or it offends you in any way, please write me and tell me why. I will do my best to further explain what I was talking about and or coming from at that time if you would like me to.

I ended my last post with a fun story from when I was living in Santa Barbara. Despite the good times I was having, I was struggling with many things. I was in a very different stage in life that I am now, but very similarly, it was time to move on again. I had built some incredible friendships there that I still cherish today. I would like to briefly touch on a few things that happened from the time I decided to leave Santa Barbara to a few years after that. I moved back in with my parents, who at the time, had been working very hard. My dad with multiple jobs, and my mom as my Grandmother's primary caregiver. While I was working full time, I also was learning my Grandma's routine and trying to do whatever I could to help my parents out around the house and by taking care of her while they were out so that they could be free to spend some alone time together and not have to worry about if she was doing okay. She had developed many different health problems, but primarily was suffering from Alzheimer's and Dementia. It was no easy task, but she and I had a very special bond that made her very comfortable around me. I am so glad that I was there for her, those times are some of my favorite memories of her. After being there for some time, it became more and more aware to me that is was yet another new chapter in my life and time to move yet again. If you haven't noticed, I move a LOT. Probably way more than normal people, haha. This time I would venture to Orange County with a friend of mine and my parents had decided to move as well and leave California. They wanted my Grandma to be back at her home in Rogue River, Oregon. Along with my parents leaving, both of my sisters were already gone or were planning on leaving California soon. I felt like I had nothing left for me there anymore. Of course, I still had some amazing friendships that I had developed strong bonds with and If it wasn't for those friends being there for me in that time, I don't know where or who I would be today.

My dad  was a Tile Contractor for as far back as I could remember. I don't know if you are familiar with the process of tile setting, but it is extremely labor intensive. There was never a dull moment on the many jobs I worked on with my dad, we would work very hard from the second we got there, until we finally got in the truck at the end of the day. As much as I hated it then, I am so grateful for that experience now. I learned at a very young age the true value of hard work and determination of seeing things through to the end, and the fulfilling feelings of accomplishment and the joys of seeing the progress day by day of what we had finished. What we did with our hands was always so gratifying to see the finished product. We have done some extremely custom work in some very expensive homes and I was always astonished at how it all came together in the end.

A few months before my parents had decided to move, I got hurt. Not emotionally, but physically. Due to legal reasons, I can not talk about the details of what happened. I can say that I was told by my doctors that I would never be able to work like I used to and that I will now and forever be permanently disabled. This was a huge deal for me at the time, as I was thinking about opening my own business doing kitchen and bathroom remodels. Now all of the sudden, I am told I can't do what I have been doing my whole life and what I was planning on doing with my future. I could not longer throw a 100 pound bag of cement over each shoulder and haul it up 3 flights of stairs. I didn't know what I was going to do. I had been doing construction since I could see over a tile saw and even though I didn't really want to make that my career, I liked having that as a backup plan in case I needed the work. In a way, I felt like my hands, the ones that I had used to create some amazing things, were now useless. I knew I had to figure out what my plan was now. After my parents left, I really felt like I was truly alone for the first time in my life. I had moved in with a friend in Orange County and I will be forever grateful for them opening up their home to me and taking me in with no hesitation. Even though I was in a great living situation and I loved being there, I could not help but feel like an intruder. I knew that I was somewhat of a burden to them, and I just wasn't able to become fully comfortable. I began to cling closely to my friends with the hopes that I could feel like I belonged again.

Now, I was also in the process of healing. I had begun a rigorous physical therapy and acupuncture routine to help with my injury. I have to admit, the slow progress was extremely frustrating. I just wanted to do normal things again like I used to. I still have pain every day, but I am learning to deal with it as best as I can and am getting stronger every day. I am much better now as far as the day to day goes, but long term I know that is always something I will have to deal with. It is amazing how much the mind plays a factor in healing. I was seeing no progress after a few months of physical therapy and was becoming more and more depressed and even comfortable with the idea that I would never get better. There was a physical therapist that could see how frustrated I was and gave me some great words of wisdom, She said that I will never see any progress if I don't change my mindset. No easy task, but she was right. I had started with the doctors words ringing in my ear. Almost like an evil conscience, I would hear "you will never be the same" "it is always going to hurt" "It is never going to get better". And I believed it, so I decided to try something new. I started my routine the next day by giving myself a little pep talk. I would convince myself that I would progress that day, even if it was by the slightest amount. And eventually, I started seeing the progress come to the surface. I felt better, I was happier and things were starting to look up!

While doing all of this, I was faced with my next challenge, finding work that I enjoy and can do with my physical limitations. I had many different jobs in this time, primarily in office settings, answering phones, sending emails, basic stuff like that or serving in a restaurant. I couldn't stand it. I felt like another mindless zombie just on the standard 9-5 grind. No one I worked with liked their job and it showed. I decided I needed to get out of the rat race for a little mini vacation and booked a flight to see my parents in Oregon around my 21st birthday, I remember I was sitting on the front porch with my Dad, just discussing life and the challenges I had been facing lately. I will never forget what he told me that day. As I was explaining my plan for the next year, I told him I was thinking about going back to school. He told me "Figure out now what you can see yourself getting out of bed for in 30 years and being happy about going to work." That was a huge reality check for me, I knew I didn't want to go to school for 2 or more years to study something that I may not even like or want to do when I graduated. I didn't want to do anything that would make me unhappy in the future. So I spent a long time thinking about what I had been doing my whole life and what could lead to a great career.

It was then that I realized, I had been doing stuff with sound and music since I could remember.
I got my start when my Dad signed me up for baseball. I remember that we had a PA system that we used for opening and closing ceremonies. We would set it up and I would play some background music, will my Dad worked with the organizers of the event to announce and host. My parents were both also heavily involved in the church. My Dad was a worship leader and my Mom worked with the youth ministry.  When I was in 8th grade I started learning how to mix live sound from the sound guy at one of the many churches we attended. He taught me the basics of signal flow, simple EQ, and how to build a solid blend of all the instruments without overpowering anything. Eventually, I started filling in for him when he couldn't make it and I got some great experiences. My Dad also taught me a lot about set up and tear down since he has been playing guitar for years. I remembered going to a plethora of live shows when I was growing up as well. I have always loved music and felt like it has been such an amazing way of bringing people together and expressing yourself creatively. I have been to more shows than I could count. From small cafe' and coffee shop open mic nights, to the arena rock legend bands like Rush. I've seen some fantastic performances and have always been drawn to that atmosphere where people can finally be free to express how they feel and just let loose. The energy rush from the ability to reach people and enhance their experience through the power of music is beyond indescribable. It is like no other feeling I have experienced.

The interesting thing was that I suddenly just knew what I wanted to do. Up until then, I had not even the slightest idea what I wanted to do. I had entertained some thoughts, but never really knew without the shadow of a doubt. Not only that, but I knew how I needed to do it. I found an awesome school in LA called Pinnacle College. I called and asked a few questions after spending a weekend going through all the pictures of the studios, reading about the Instructors I made the call. I set up an appointment for the following day. I'll never forget the drive to the school to take the tour. I was getting of the freeway and just browsing radio stations when I heard a commercial for the school I was about to walk into. As I got out of the car, I saw a few of the kids around the school on their break. One kid was wearing headphones and crouched over a laptop while another kid was playing a guitar plugged into a DI box then running through ProTools on the laptop. They were both just rocking out! Hahaha, I was laughing the whole way to the door. As I walked into the hallway I saw a staircase leading down. The paint in the hallway was a super bright white, and as soon as I took the first step down, I noticed the walls had changed to Black and Purple paint on the walls. I felt like a little kid in a candy store. There were gold albums and all sorts of different plaques and awards hanging up. Right in front of the office was the Main Studio. It was like nothing I had ever seen in my life. I knew that I was in the right place.

I'm going to end this post on that point in my journey. I will touch more on school and audio stuff as we continue in my future posts. I have been working on this for the past 3 days. I hope you know that the things I am writing about are not for any intent other than my own personal growth. I feel strongly that getting things out of your head and writing how you really feel is very beneficial. I do not have any ulterior motive here. I do not want my stories and what I write to have any negative effect on anyone or anything. I am not trying to make myself out to be a hero that got incredibly screwed over, or some sob story that is just going to go on and on about how horrible things are. I am not doing any of this for anyone other than myself, really. I am finding out a bunch of things about myself that I had forgotten about and am looking back to hopefully gain some wisdom on how to move forward. I am moving on with my life. I am doing things for me and my own gain. It may sound selfish, but I have never done that before. I have always been more focused on others and now I am seeing how if you don't take care of yourself and your own personal issues, the things you bottle up inside you ending tearing you apart in the long run. I've been down that road before, and I won't do that to myself again. From here on out, I am making myself priority number one. The way I am choosing to do this may be taboo or out of the ordinary, but I am inviting you to come on this journey of mine in the hopes that maybe you can shed some light on a few things I bring up. Maybe you remember talking to me around that time or even if you have been through similar challenges, lets talk about it! I am all ears. I'm officially opening myself up to you and your thoughts by sharing some of mine. I hope to gain wisdom from you and try to understand your perspective and how I can apply that to my life, I will constantly strive to stay positive and uplifting, even through one of the most difficult times in my life thus far. I like quotes, so here is one of my favorites that I feel directly applies to where I am at now. "We have 1 mouth and 2 ears so that we can listen twice as much as we speak".