Cutting the Ties

Hello again.

Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that no matter what is said or done, nothing will change how things have already happened in the past. At first, I was driving myself crazy trying to make sense of everything. I had so many questions I thought I wanted answered. I am not perfect in any way, but I felt like I was doing the best that I could despite my frustrations. I had a roller coaster of feelings surging through me at any given time. One minute I was happy and looking forward to the future, then I would think about something that made me look back at my past and wished I could change things. I would become depressed, sad and angry all at the same time. It may sound weird, but I thought maybe I could still fight for what I thought I had. I realize now that when some people have their mind made up, there is no going back for them. Decisions were made, and reactions occurred for everyone close enough to feel the wake. And honestly, it hurts. For every action, there is a reaction.

Eventually, I felt myself becoming bitter, because it was the only time I didn't feel bad about myself. I know that sounds terrible and it really was. I hated it, I hated thinking the way I was and the way it made me feel. I felt like I needed a change of pace if I was ever going to snap out of it. And finally, I just decided i had to let go. I wanted to write about other things more than my personal situation, but sometimes all the other things don't really matter or come out quite right. This is what is on my mind today. Things were said that I regret, but strangely at the same time don't because that is what I was feeling at the time. I said what I needed to and what was honestly on my mind. I had to really just cut the ties that were holding me back from moving on and being happy and stop putting everyone else first for a change and follow my own advice and live for myself. Remove my investments from the situation so to speak. I had invested quite a bit of my time, possessions, energy, emotions and so on into that, and while somethings I got back, others I never will. What I realize now is that this is what was meant to happen eventually. While I am grateful this happened to me when it did instead of in the future when things could have been much more complicated, it still hurts just the same.

I'm just trying my best to look forward now. Waiting for the real one to come show me what I've been missing. In the meantime, it is my turn to do what I want for me. No more holding back, no more looking at all of the things of the past wishing they were different. Just focusing on what I need to do for me, with no regrets. Words can cut sharply, but just like a bruise, time heals all wounds. Maybe if it is just not working, it just isn't the right timing. A friend once told me that trust is gained in inches and lost in miles. I love how true that is, one thing can ruin your feelings of trust for someone overnight. Gaining it back however, may never be accomplished. I have no time for apologies. I used to get told by my dad to not be sorry, just don't do it. I didn't understand it then, but it really is a simple concept. It is amazing to me how 2 words can be all that you can muster to say, and sometimes it is all that needs to be said, while other times it is never enough to hear from someone. It can sound like such an insult. I found myself asking, "sorry for what?" I don't want an apology. That means nothing to me, I want actions shown to me that proves you have the slightest idea how I feel. I know I won't get them, and so I look forward to the day I meet the one who is truly worth risking everything I have for. Until that day comes, I'm going to continue doing my best to move on with my life, and look forward to the future. I have big dreams, I won't let anything hold me back this time.