The Ever Present Darkness

Hello friends.

I want to talk about something sad that I found out yesterday. It is never an easy topic to discuss. I spent the summer working at an apartment complex, I met and really enjoyed working with a certain crew of people who we contracted out to do the carpet and linoleum flooring replacement. This one crew stood out to me more than any others. These guys just showed up and got things done, they worked hard and communicated well with each other and with us maintenance guys who were working alongside them. This one guy was only a year older than me. I remember him being so positive and just always in a good mood. He was often our bridge when things would get lost in translation between the little Spanish we knew. Despite the small language barrier, I loved working with those guys, the morale was awesome and we would always help each other out however we could.

I was working in an apartment yesterday afternoon when I got some bad news. That guy that was only 1 year older than me, had committed suicide just 2 days after I saw him last week. His tragic decision left behind a tremendous wake of grief and mourning for not only his family, but also those who knew him. I didn't know him very well, but that is always the type of news that just snaps you back to reality. Unfortunately, I am no stranger to having people around me make that same tragic final decision. My good friend that I grew up with and went to church with took his life when I was still in high school. Then later, one of my favorite teachers that I had did the same thing. I want anyone who reads this to know the true devastation that comes from that. I have seen it tear towns and families apart, spiral others into heavy drinking or narcotics. Really there is no good that can come from it in my opinion. I know how comforting the darkness can sound. However there is deceit lurking behind the whisper. Don't run away from your problems. Don't try to mask them with drugs or alcohol. I say face them head on, laughing and smiling, and asking what else you got? No matter what happens to you, you have a choice on how to react. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. It's just the way the world works.

I've struggled with depression off and on since I was about 16. I had terrible acne and was put on a medication called Accutane which had a long term side effect of causing depression. Overall, I am happy and feeling good but recently with everything going on and the stresses from it all, I have been having ups and downs, highs and lows and unfortunately, I have to be honest and say that at my lowest point it included some dark thoughts. I was in a lot of pain emotionally and it felt at one point that maybe it was too much to handle. I am way beyond that now and a huge reality check hit me yesterday when I got that awful news. I wish I could say I had nothing like that come even remotely close to my mind, but I can't. Now don't worry, it was only a very brief moment of a ton of emotions and thoughts running through my head, but I saw it for what it was and shook it from my mind. And I am in no way planning on doing anything to harm myself or others. Just so that is clear. I chose life, because with all the things there is to live for, there is really no comparison. I have had some terrible luck in some areas and fantastic luck in others. I realized that this life is what you make it. You have a choice to live this life to the fullest, or you can stay hidden in your shell. I know I'm busting out of my shell. I have changed and I am proud of who I have become. I am leaving the old me behind. I am a new person now, and that is whoever I want to be. You have the same choice, whatever you want to be, be the best you can at it.

That is all for tonight. Keep your heads up friends and I will do the same. The world is an awesome place, you just have to look for the true beauty in it and not be fooled by the ever present darkness. Always stay looking towards the brighter side of things and living more in the moment. Don't overlook the little things. Above all else, keep being yourself. Someone is going to truly love you for you so don't mask who you are. If you are having a hard time with something and need someone to talk to, I am always available. Many of you have reached out to me and told me the same and I want you to know how much I truly appreciate that. I thank you all so much for being in my life. God Bless and Goodnight!