Hello again friends.
It has been some time since I last wrote in this blog. I have been extremely busy and I have not had as much free time lately. For that I apologize, but there are definitely some exciting new changes in my life! I have been working multiple jobs since my first weekend in Tucson. Combined, I am working about 70 hours a week, which can be draining. Usually only getting about 4-5 hours of sleep per night. But in no way am I complaining! I usually get off at my first job around 11:30 or 12:00 noon. Then sometimes I have go directly to my other job right or shortly after. In the time between jobs, I have been dedicating myself to practicing guitar, at very least 1 hour per day. And even though it is slow, I am making some decent progress!
On that note, I had the coolest thing happen to me last week. I was tuning up, and was struggling to get a string in tune, when it snapped! It was the first time that had happened to me, even though I had seen it happen multiple times before, needless to say it caught me completely off guard. I ended up dropping my guitar and in the process broke the "nut" which guides the strings to the tuning pegs. I took the guitar, which was given to me by my friend and previous manager up in Oregon. (Thanks again Nick Powell, that helped me to get in the groove of playing and I am so stoked you gave me that guitar!) But I digress, I took it into the guitar shop and they said to get it fixed up nicely, I would be looking to spend around $100. Which wasn't a problem, however, they also said they just got in this radical Marquis by Harmony, a replica of a vintage guitar. This thing looked and sounded beautiful! I was in love from the first time I held it. They totally hooked me up, I got a super nice case, strap, tuner, a bag of picks, a detailing kit and the guitar for only $300! I was beyond blown away. Huge thanks to the guys down at Strings N' Sticks here in Tucson. Anyone in the area looking to get a great deal on instruments or other gear should definitely check them out! So I have new motivation for playing and practicing and am beyond stoked to see the progress I am making. Learning the guitar is something I have always wanted to do, I just never had the determination or patience to do beforehand. It feels good to have a new project to keep me busy and I can hear myself getting better every time I play. I have even written a few songs and have been trying to come up with the music for it. It's a slow process but I am loving every second of it! Especially now that my fingers have callused and it doesn't hurt quite so much to press down on the strings.
In other and probably the most exciting news, I met someone... And she is amazing! She came into the store I was working at and we struck up a conversation, I decided to slip her my number when she checked out, and a few days later we met up for coffee. After getting to know each other a little bit, she took me to a few different spots around the city. One of which was overlooking the whole city, about halfway up the drive to Mount Lemmon. We sat and stared out at the city lights and talked about life, things we have been through and what we want to do with our lives. It was awesome to meet someone who shared so many of the same beliefs and values as I did. After we had stared at the city lights for over an hour, she took me to another one of her favorite spots in the city. This place was rad, about a 1/2 mile up a path in a National Forest, we went down to this cool little spot where there was a natural waterfall! We sat around the pool at the bottom and listened as the water came down serenading us. It was like something out of a movie, the night was super clear and there were tons of stars out. We sat and talked more and it was a trip, even though it was our first night hanging out together, I felt like I had known her for a long time. We have since spent pretty much every day together. She is an incredible singer, pianist, guitarist and songwriter and is teaching me a ton about songwriting and playing in general. I posted a video of her singing one of my favorites of hers a while back, so check it out if you haven't already. You will definitely be missing out if you don't. I am able to just completely be myself around her, not once has she asked me to change anything about me, just accepted me for who I am and seems to like me anyways. She has shown me so many amazing things that this city has to offer and I am completely taken by her. It feels so good to be with someone who actually appreciates me and just likes me for who I am, not who they want me to be like so many of my prior relationships have. It's like breathing in a breath of fresh air. So to you, Shaina, thank you, so very much for everything. You have definitely opened my eyes to so many beautiful things and I will be forever grateful for that. You rock my world. ;)
That's about all the updates I have as of lately. I just wanted to fill you in on this exciting new chapter of my life. I have to say, this one is looking to be pretty incredible so far. I can't wait to see where this takes me. My spirits are definitely lifted and I am feeling more optimistic and hopeful about my future than I have in quite some time. Stay tuned, as I will try to keep the updates coming in as they develop. Also, we have been recording some amazing stuff and it is only going to get better! I will post new songs as we record them! If you are curious about the music this amazing woman is making, let me know and I would be happy to send you some stuff!
God Bless and keep sending the prayers and positive vibes my way!
-Nathan
Friday, April 10, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Working Man
Hello again!!
I have been going non stop since I got back to Tucson. I have acquired 2 different jobs, One of which I am up at 4 am so I can be at my first job at 5 am. Once I finish there around noon, I have usually just about an hour to come home, change and get to my other job. Between the 2, I am averaging about 70 hours a week. But this is all only temporary. I am planning on keeping up this hectic schedule through the summer and then attending school in the fall so I will most likely walk away from one of them. Since I am technically an out of state resident, I will have to pay much more for classes. So I need all the cash I can get.
All that aside, I feel like I am settling in to my new routine quite well, my only complaint is lack of sleep. Tucson is a trip of a town, almost every one I have met seems super laid back and welcoming. Which is a nice change of pace from the overbearing cliques I experienced in Eugene. It is a bit overwhelming for me, trying to balance both jobs, taking care of yogi, my sanity and trying to prepare myself the best that I can for starting school. I knew when I graduated high school that I didn't know quite what I wanted to do yet, and now, even though I have a better idea, I still am trying to figure it all out. I'm just taking things a day and a step at a time.
I have also been trying to teach myself to play guitar, which I have always wanted to learn, just never had the time or patience and determination for. While I am still terrible, I am making some slow progress. It is nice to have a new hobby to keep my hands and mind occupied. I can't wait to see what this new town and this fresh start has in store for me. While I attempt to figure it all out, I will keep you posted. Forgive me if I don't write much for a while, my new routine is pretty intense and my free time is limited. But please, keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am going to need some encouragement to keep my self in check in my process of bettering myself.
Until next time,
Nathan
I have been going non stop since I got back to Tucson. I have acquired 2 different jobs, One of which I am up at 4 am so I can be at my first job at 5 am. Once I finish there around noon, I have usually just about an hour to come home, change and get to my other job. Between the 2, I am averaging about 70 hours a week. But this is all only temporary. I am planning on keeping up this hectic schedule through the summer and then attending school in the fall so I will most likely walk away from one of them. Since I am technically an out of state resident, I will have to pay much more for classes. So I need all the cash I can get.
All that aside, I feel like I am settling in to my new routine quite well, my only complaint is lack of sleep. Tucson is a trip of a town, almost every one I have met seems super laid back and welcoming. Which is a nice change of pace from the overbearing cliques I experienced in Eugene. It is a bit overwhelming for me, trying to balance both jobs, taking care of yogi, my sanity and trying to prepare myself the best that I can for starting school. I knew when I graduated high school that I didn't know quite what I wanted to do yet, and now, even though I have a better idea, I still am trying to figure it all out. I'm just taking things a day and a step at a time.
I have also been trying to teach myself to play guitar, which I have always wanted to learn, just never had the time or patience and determination for. While I am still terrible, I am making some slow progress. It is nice to have a new hobby to keep my hands and mind occupied. I can't wait to see what this new town and this fresh start has in store for me. While I attempt to figure it all out, I will keep you posted. Forgive me if I don't write much for a while, my new routine is pretty intense and my free time is limited. But please, keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am going to need some encouragement to keep my self in check in my process of bettering myself.
Until next time,
Nathan
Monday, March 9, 2015
Miles
Hello again!
What an exhausting last couple months it has been for me. I have traveled just about 7,000 miles in the past 3 months. Although it has been an adventure, it has also been draining. The best part of my adventure has been seeing so many of my amazing friends from my past. I was able to reconnect with people I hadn't seen in years and some that had only been 2 years too long. To all of you that I have met up with recently, thank you, so incredibly much. There are no words to describe how your support, encouragement and positive feedback has tremendously helped me. I also was able to burn a few old bridges from one of the people I respect the most in this world, to you, sir, I say thank you. For always being there for me even when our friendship was rocky, for knowing my deepest and darkest secrets and still giving me support and nothing but positive reinforcement. Your friendship means the world to me and I am so proud of you and the man you have become. And to all my other friends that have stood by my side and been on the other end far too often of my seemingly endless venting, and for giving me so much wisdom, you guys have all made me who I am today and I am so grateful to have such awesome people in my life.
There is something about traveling that always tends to make me think about so many deep things. It sounds cliche' but it is true. I spent so much time thinking about the people in my life, the mistakes I have made, the friendships I have established, and the events that have led me to where I am now. And what I realized, is that as much as I have gone through, one thing will always remain the same. I am human. I make mistakes. And I learn from them. I have unintentionally hurt some of the most amazing people in my life. Although I still never regret any of those things I messed up, I can't help but wish I had known then what I do know. They say hindsight is a beautiful thing, and I agree, however I know that even if I could change certain events in the past, I wouldn't. For they led me to where I am and have made me into the man I am, So, as I look toward the future, I can't help but feel optimistic. I know that I will keep making mistakes, keep learning from them, and keep on keeping on.
This is my first post in Arizona. It feels strange to be here, I have been looking forward to this for the past few months and now it feels surreal. I was able to land a job almost immediately. While I am grateful, I can't help but feel like in some ways I have taken a few steps back. I know it is just a starting point, but I know I am meant for more. I am excited about paving my new path here, but once again, I am in yet another new place, with only a few people I know here. After my nightmare in Eugene, I have to admit I am a bit apprehensive. I am starting from scratch once again. Only this time, I am not trying to focus on anyone but myself. But it is unfamiliar, I haven't done this before so I feel like the new kid on the block, trying to make new friends, and do what I need to do for me. Wish me luck, as I have a lot to do. More to come!
What an exhausting last couple months it has been for me. I have traveled just about 7,000 miles in the past 3 months. Although it has been an adventure, it has also been draining. The best part of my adventure has been seeing so many of my amazing friends from my past. I was able to reconnect with people I hadn't seen in years and some that had only been 2 years too long. To all of you that I have met up with recently, thank you, so incredibly much. There are no words to describe how your support, encouragement and positive feedback has tremendously helped me. I also was able to burn a few old bridges from one of the people I respect the most in this world, to you, sir, I say thank you. For always being there for me even when our friendship was rocky, for knowing my deepest and darkest secrets and still giving me support and nothing but positive reinforcement. Your friendship means the world to me and I am so proud of you and the man you have become. And to all my other friends that have stood by my side and been on the other end far too often of my seemingly endless venting, and for giving me so much wisdom, you guys have all made me who I am today and I am so grateful to have such awesome people in my life.
There is something about traveling that always tends to make me think about so many deep things. It sounds cliche' but it is true. I spent so much time thinking about the people in my life, the mistakes I have made, the friendships I have established, and the events that have led me to where I am now. And what I realized, is that as much as I have gone through, one thing will always remain the same. I am human. I make mistakes. And I learn from them. I have unintentionally hurt some of the most amazing people in my life. Although I still never regret any of those things I messed up, I can't help but wish I had known then what I do know. They say hindsight is a beautiful thing, and I agree, however I know that even if I could change certain events in the past, I wouldn't. For they led me to where I am and have made me into the man I am, So, as I look toward the future, I can't help but feel optimistic. I know that I will keep making mistakes, keep learning from them, and keep on keeping on.
This is my first post in Arizona. It feels strange to be here, I have been looking forward to this for the past few months and now it feels surreal. I was able to land a job almost immediately. While I am grateful, I can't help but feel like in some ways I have taken a few steps back. I know it is just a starting point, but I know I am meant for more. I am excited about paving my new path here, but once again, I am in yet another new place, with only a few people I know here. After my nightmare in Eugene, I have to admit I am a bit apprehensive. I am starting from scratch once again. Only this time, I am not trying to focus on anyone but myself. But it is unfamiliar, I haven't done this before so I feel like the new kid on the block, trying to make new friends, and do what I need to do for me. Wish me luck, as I have a lot to do. More to come!
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Letting Go
Hello.
I have recognized a pattern with myself and my writing. Lately, like I mentioned in my last post, I have been reflecting on my past and my last relationship. There is still a lot of resentment on my part and to be honest it has been making me borderline depressed. Yes, I am still hurt and angry with the whole situation and as much as I wish it wasn't, it is still affecting my day to day life. I can't seem to shake certain memories and events that took place that led me to where I am now. And as excited as I am to start my next chapter in Tucson, I know for a fact that there is certain things I do not wish to carry with me there.
This time of year is especially difficult for me, as last Valentine's Day, was the day which I decided to propose. I knew even then that if things didn't work out, it would make it a tough day for me in the future. Now, it is that time of year again where every advertisement and local establishments are preparing for the big day with reminders to make your dinner reservations, or how to dazzle her with a certain cut of a diamond or a fancy necklace. All of these things are especially difficult to remember as I think back on the excitement and how anxious I was feeling when I made my decision. Although, I still don't regret making that choice last year, as it has taught me many important life lessons I will undoubtedly carry with me into my future relationships. However, I no longer wish to bring up the past and those events, but rather learn from the lessons it taught me. I know that I need to let it all go, the feelings of betrayal, the bitterness, all of it. For that is the only way I will be able to truly make a new life for myself once I get to Arizona. It is much easier said than done unfortunately.
In the gym today, I was taught a new lift, and we used a certain type of weight that you can drop on the ground once you hit muscle failure. And it wasn't until I first dropped the weight that this realization hit me. I have been exhausting my mind with the weight of my past, knowing that I will soon no longer be able to hold it inside me any longer without it eventually crushing me and that it had been holding me back all along instead of helping me move forward, So, tonight as I type this post, I am letting it all go, letting it drop from my mind and out of my life so I no longer have to hold it up. I have to say, in a sense, I feel like I am finally free. Free to find myself and happiness once more. Free to live my life for me and me alone and to do what I want to with it. And now I can begin to truly heal and repair my broken self once again. It will most definitely take a lot of work, determination and some true grit. But I know that I can do it.
I ask for prayer and encouragement as I travel down this unfamiliar road. I know that I have a long ways to go, but I can't wait to get there. I want to hear from you! What are some things in your life you are holding onto that you could benefit from letting go of? Maybe just ask yourself that question, although I feel I should warn you, you may not like the answer as it is rarely an easy thing to look inside yourself and realize what has been holding you back. As always, I am available to talk to anytime. I hope all is well with you and your lives and that you too can make positive changes in your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
God Bless.
-Nathan
I have recognized a pattern with myself and my writing. Lately, like I mentioned in my last post, I have been reflecting on my past and my last relationship. There is still a lot of resentment on my part and to be honest it has been making me borderline depressed. Yes, I am still hurt and angry with the whole situation and as much as I wish it wasn't, it is still affecting my day to day life. I can't seem to shake certain memories and events that took place that led me to where I am now. And as excited as I am to start my next chapter in Tucson, I know for a fact that there is certain things I do not wish to carry with me there.
This time of year is especially difficult for me, as last Valentine's Day, was the day which I decided to propose. I knew even then that if things didn't work out, it would make it a tough day for me in the future. Now, it is that time of year again where every advertisement and local establishments are preparing for the big day with reminders to make your dinner reservations, or how to dazzle her with a certain cut of a diamond or a fancy necklace. All of these things are especially difficult to remember as I think back on the excitement and how anxious I was feeling when I made my decision. Although, I still don't regret making that choice last year, as it has taught me many important life lessons I will undoubtedly carry with me into my future relationships. However, I no longer wish to bring up the past and those events, but rather learn from the lessons it taught me. I know that I need to let it all go, the feelings of betrayal, the bitterness, all of it. For that is the only way I will be able to truly make a new life for myself once I get to Arizona. It is much easier said than done unfortunately.
In the gym today, I was taught a new lift, and we used a certain type of weight that you can drop on the ground once you hit muscle failure. And it wasn't until I first dropped the weight that this realization hit me. I have been exhausting my mind with the weight of my past, knowing that I will soon no longer be able to hold it inside me any longer without it eventually crushing me and that it had been holding me back all along instead of helping me move forward, So, tonight as I type this post, I am letting it all go, letting it drop from my mind and out of my life so I no longer have to hold it up. I have to say, in a sense, I feel like I am finally free. Free to find myself and happiness once more. Free to live my life for me and me alone and to do what I want to with it. And now I can begin to truly heal and repair my broken self once again. It will most definitely take a lot of work, determination and some true grit. But I know that I can do it.
I ask for prayer and encouragement as I travel down this unfamiliar road. I know that I have a long ways to go, but I can't wait to get there. I want to hear from you! What are some things in your life you are holding onto that you could benefit from letting go of? Maybe just ask yourself that question, although I feel I should warn you, you may not like the answer as it is rarely an easy thing to look inside yourself and realize what has been holding you back. As always, I am available to talk to anytime. I hope all is well with you and your lives and that you too can make positive changes in your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
God Bless.
-Nathan
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Reflections
Hello again.
I have taken some time away from my computer lately, mainly to focus on the seemingly never ending list of things I must finish around here before we hit the road for Tucson. Only 2 1/2 more weeks before we leave! I could not be more excited to start that next chapter in my life. I have been very productive! Maintaining my grueling new workout routine, eating a lot to put on weight, and even getting back into an old hobby of mine, Wood-working. It has been some time since I have done anything like that and I have to say, I missed using my hands to build things tremendously. There is such a feeling of pride and accomplishment that comes from being able to look over the finished product and say "I did that!" I needed that tremendously. Mostly to keep my mind focused on the project before me, rather than letting it wander to the places I hate that it tends to go.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my recent past lately, and even though I have said before that I will only look forward from now on, I can't help but think about the events that took place that led to where I am at now. In this post, I am going to lay it all out there, and truly explain what happened the day my life changed. I may bring up some tough issues and things that aren't easy to read, much less write, but I feel like I need to get these thoughts out of my head once again. After all, this blog is about what is going on with me and my thoughts, I am just choosing to share them with you, if you choose to read it, with the hopes that maybe if you were or are in a similar situation, you can see the warning signs I failed to see which ultimately brought me to this place. As a bit of a disclaimer, this is only MY side of the story, my observations and my recollection of that day as best as I can remember it. Although this was in October of last year so my memory may be a bit hazy. If you are looking for clarification on a certain part of this or to question my intentions or to simply say you liked what I wrote and it has helped you or someone you know, feel free to shoot me an email. I will leave my email address in a comment. I will try to get back to you as soon as possible.
So let's begin when this all first started to go down. I was living in Eugene, OR with my then fiance' Sarah Dawn Brayton. She had just returned from a trip to California to see her friends and family, and had brought our mutual friend back up to stay with us for a few days. It was amazing to see her, as it had been close to a year since we had all gotten together. She is currently dating one of my best friends and was even a roommate of Sarah's for a brief time. I was trying to do the best I could to keep a clean house, make meals for us all, and balance my time between work, friends, my relationship and my responsibilities. While I am not now, nor will I ever claim to be perfect, I feel like I was doing a pretty good job at balancing everything. We had an awesome week hanging out and I had gotten some great perspective from our longtime friend into where I was at in my relationship. The day she left, I knew I had to bring up certain things that had begun to eat away at me and although at the time I couldn't place my finger on it, I knew something was up. I came home from work, cleaned up the house as best as I could, in an attempt to make a welcoming atmosphere and a place where we could hopefully hash out our issues. As I was finishing preparing dinner, Sarah returned from work. I set the table and poured the wine. As I eagerly asked about her day, and got only one word answers in response, I was becoming frustrated. We sat in silence through most of the meal. I left the house to clear my head and take my dog Yogi for a walk, and called my dad for some advice.
I explained the things I had been feeling lately and he basically just told me I had to bring up the issues I had been too nervous to say before. As I got back home, I sat down and started to explain how I had been feeling lately and eventually asked her one simple question, "Do you want to be with me?" To my disbelief, she got very defensive and argumentative, bringing up a whole array of issues that had nothing to do with what I was telling her I was concerned about. And eventually she left. I was shocked and confused that she was so willing to run away from a simple question, when 8 months before that she had promised me to spend the rest of her life with me, and that we would always talk through any issues we were having. For me, it was a sign of maturity, or lack there of. I was very calm and although the conversation got heated, I never was abusive in a physical or verbal way as I was raised better than that. It took her 4 days before she finally worked up the courage to make her decision to leave me and tell me to move out. Looking back now, I know it is because she had feelings for my then "friend" and co worker, even though they both denied that there was anything going on between them. I find it extremely hard to believe that she would throw away an engagement, just to only start another relationship a mere 2 1/2 weeks after we broke things off if there were not prior feelings attached, but you can be the judge of that. I was devastated, it brought me to a very dark place, knowing that I gave someone all I had, just to have them use me for every ounce of energy I could muster, to then only be kicked to the curb like a piece of trash. That did wonders on my self esteem and my mental state.
I spent a lot of that time looking myself in the mirror, and to be honest, I hated the man that was staring back at me, I felt like a failure, like I wasn't good enough, like there was nothing left behind the surface. It wasn't until I left for Florida and gained some wisdom from my sisters and my brother, that I began to see myself in a new light. Before, I was looking at a broken man in the mirror, wondering how and even if it was possible to pull myself back together again. I gave one woman my everything, only to have her toss me to the side when I had nothing left to give her. I realized that even if I was perfect, it wouldn't have mattered, because she would always be looking for something more. So I decided to do something radical, something I had never done before. Focus solely on myself. And I have to say I am starting to like my reflection a little bit better every day. I see the results already from working out in the gym and pushing myself more than I ever thought was possible. I see a man who is still broken, but building himself again, just like the project I have been working on lately. Sure, you can take the easy way out and go to the store and buy a table, or you can buy your own lumber, take your measurements, cut away what you don't need, secure the right pieces together to form a solid bond and you know what? Over time, you build that freakin' table. I see myself now as the most important project I have ever worked on in my life. I am cutting away the things I know have been dragging me down and degrading my value such as self doubt, depression and discouraging thoughts. And I am putting myself back together with the strong bonds of family, TRUE friends, wisdom, encouragement, support and all those other things that make me the imperfect man I am. I know it will take me the rest of my life, but I am excited because I know that this finished product will be something to truly marvel at. One that you can't simply toss away because it will be priceless. I want to be a perfect man for my future wife. I want to be a strong role model for my future children. And I know that this starts now, with the steps I take on a daily basis to better my future. This project will take time, but I am working on it day by day.
For those of you who have been reading this and reached out to me to say it has helped you and your situations, thank you so much! I am ecstatic that this is not only helping me, but others as well. To you, I will give you this advice, cut out the things in life that have been dragging you down or holding you back. If you feel down or discouraged, find the things that make YOU happy, and do that. We only have one life to live, why not make it the best we can? Life is too short to be unhappy or depressed, when you feel that way, go do something you love to do, whether it be reading your favorite book, playing a video game, going for a walk or just a relaxing bath. I guarantee it will make you feel better. If you feel like there is no one who cares, give me a call, send me a message saying you just need someone to talk to. I am always available to those in need. Stay strong my friends, It does get better! One piece at a time...
I have taken some time away from my computer lately, mainly to focus on the seemingly never ending list of things I must finish around here before we hit the road for Tucson. Only 2 1/2 more weeks before we leave! I could not be more excited to start that next chapter in my life. I have been very productive! Maintaining my grueling new workout routine, eating a lot to put on weight, and even getting back into an old hobby of mine, Wood-working. It has been some time since I have done anything like that and I have to say, I missed using my hands to build things tremendously. There is such a feeling of pride and accomplishment that comes from being able to look over the finished product and say "I did that!" I needed that tremendously. Mostly to keep my mind focused on the project before me, rather than letting it wander to the places I hate that it tends to go.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my recent past lately, and even though I have said before that I will only look forward from now on, I can't help but think about the events that took place that led to where I am at now. In this post, I am going to lay it all out there, and truly explain what happened the day my life changed. I may bring up some tough issues and things that aren't easy to read, much less write, but I feel like I need to get these thoughts out of my head once again. After all, this blog is about what is going on with me and my thoughts, I am just choosing to share them with you, if you choose to read it, with the hopes that maybe if you were or are in a similar situation, you can see the warning signs I failed to see which ultimately brought me to this place. As a bit of a disclaimer, this is only MY side of the story, my observations and my recollection of that day as best as I can remember it. Although this was in October of last year so my memory may be a bit hazy. If you are looking for clarification on a certain part of this or to question my intentions or to simply say you liked what I wrote and it has helped you or someone you know, feel free to shoot me an email. I will leave my email address in a comment. I will try to get back to you as soon as possible.
So let's begin when this all first started to go down. I was living in Eugene, OR with my then fiance' Sarah Dawn Brayton. She had just returned from a trip to California to see her friends and family, and had brought our mutual friend back up to stay with us for a few days. It was amazing to see her, as it had been close to a year since we had all gotten together. She is currently dating one of my best friends and was even a roommate of Sarah's for a brief time. I was trying to do the best I could to keep a clean house, make meals for us all, and balance my time between work, friends, my relationship and my responsibilities. While I am not now, nor will I ever claim to be perfect, I feel like I was doing a pretty good job at balancing everything. We had an awesome week hanging out and I had gotten some great perspective from our longtime friend into where I was at in my relationship. The day she left, I knew I had to bring up certain things that had begun to eat away at me and although at the time I couldn't place my finger on it, I knew something was up. I came home from work, cleaned up the house as best as I could, in an attempt to make a welcoming atmosphere and a place where we could hopefully hash out our issues. As I was finishing preparing dinner, Sarah returned from work. I set the table and poured the wine. As I eagerly asked about her day, and got only one word answers in response, I was becoming frustrated. We sat in silence through most of the meal. I left the house to clear my head and take my dog Yogi for a walk, and called my dad for some advice.
I explained the things I had been feeling lately and he basically just told me I had to bring up the issues I had been too nervous to say before. As I got back home, I sat down and started to explain how I had been feeling lately and eventually asked her one simple question, "Do you want to be with me?" To my disbelief, she got very defensive and argumentative, bringing up a whole array of issues that had nothing to do with what I was telling her I was concerned about. And eventually she left. I was shocked and confused that she was so willing to run away from a simple question, when 8 months before that she had promised me to spend the rest of her life with me, and that we would always talk through any issues we were having. For me, it was a sign of maturity, or lack there of. I was very calm and although the conversation got heated, I never was abusive in a physical or verbal way as I was raised better than that. It took her 4 days before she finally worked up the courage to make her decision to leave me and tell me to move out. Looking back now, I know it is because she had feelings for my then "friend" and co worker, even though they both denied that there was anything going on between them. I find it extremely hard to believe that she would throw away an engagement, just to only start another relationship a mere 2 1/2 weeks after we broke things off if there were not prior feelings attached, but you can be the judge of that. I was devastated, it brought me to a very dark place, knowing that I gave someone all I had, just to have them use me for every ounce of energy I could muster, to then only be kicked to the curb like a piece of trash. That did wonders on my self esteem and my mental state.
I spent a lot of that time looking myself in the mirror, and to be honest, I hated the man that was staring back at me, I felt like a failure, like I wasn't good enough, like there was nothing left behind the surface. It wasn't until I left for Florida and gained some wisdom from my sisters and my brother, that I began to see myself in a new light. Before, I was looking at a broken man in the mirror, wondering how and even if it was possible to pull myself back together again. I gave one woman my everything, only to have her toss me to the side when I had nothing left to give her. I realized that even if I was perfect, it wouldn't have mattered, because she would always be looking for something more. So I decided to do something radical, something I had never done before. Focus solely on myself. And I have to say I am starting to like my reflection a little bit better every day. I see the results already from working out in the gym and pushing myself more than I ever thought was possible. I see a man who is still broken, but building himself again, just like the project I have been working on lately. Sure, you can take the easy way out and go to the store and buy a table, or you can buy your own lumber, take your measurements, cut away what you don't need, secure the right pieces together to form a solid bond and you know what? Over time, you build that freakin' table. I see myself now as the most important project I have ever worked on in my life. I am cutting away the things I know have been dragging me down and degrading my value such as self doubt, depression and discouraging thoughts. And I am putting myself back together with the strong bonds of family, TRUE friends, wisdom, encouragement, support and all those other things that make me the imperfect man I am. I know it will take me the rest of my life, but I am excited because I know that this finished product will be something to truly marvel at. One that you can't simply toss away because it will be priceless. I want to be a perfect man for my future wife. I want to be a strong role model for my future children. And I know that this starts now, with the steps I take on a daily basis to better my future. This project will take time, but I am working on it day by day.
For those of you who have been reading this and reached out to me to say it has helped you and your situations, thank you so much! I am ecstatic that this is not only helping me, but others as well. To you, I will give you this advice, cut out the things in life that have been dragging you down or holding you back. If you feel down or discouraged, find the things that make YOU happy, and do that. We only have one life to live, why not make it the best we can? Life is too short to be unhappy or depressed, when you feel that way, go do something you love to do, whether it be reading your favorite book, playing a video game, going for a walk or just a relaxing bath. I guarantee it will make you feel better. If you feel like there is no one who cares, give me a call, send me a message saying you just need someone to talk to. I am always available to those in need. Stay strong my friends, It does get better! One piece at a time...
Friday, January 9, 2015
The Sunshine State
Happy New Year!!
This year has started off with a bang for me, as I got to spend new years with my 2 beautiful sisters! Up until that point, it had been 2 years since we had all been together. It was so refreshing to just kick back, enjoy some amazing conversation, lengthy laughter and probably a few too many delicious drinks! I flew from Eugene, Oregon to Orlando, Florida. Where we stayed for a week before traveling to Atlanta, Georgia. It was so awesome to see some different parts of the country I had never been to before and to have the amazing wisdom and encouragement my family had to give me. From there, we left after dropping Kayla off at the airport and headed back to my new home for the next couple months in Navarre, Florida.
Talk about a culture shock! I was astonished at how different things are on the East coast, from insanely low gas prices ($1.99 per gallon!) to the amount of meat that came on my pork ribs. Thanks Lloyds BBQ!! Best ribs I've ever had in my life! I also started going to the gym yesterday. If you didn't see my post, I got my ass kicked!! I am so excited to get back into shape and I am so happy to have the amazing training and support as well as the motivational push from my brother Zach. My goal is to be 160 lbs by my 25th birthday in august. Seeing as how I weighed in at 136 yesterday, I have my work cut out for me. It is time for me to break some old habits, and develop new healthy ones in their place. And as much as it might suck starting off, I know I will be grateful I did this later. I may even start to train to compete in a triathlon with my sister and brother this year! I am so excited to be getting fit and taking better care of myself. I have always been the type to take care of others and put them before myself and I am ready to break that cycle for a change and work on bettering myself.
In my first few posts, I was going through a very emotional time and tended to vent about what was consistently on my mind and driving me crazy. And even though there is still a ton of pain and emotions associated with what happened to me, I am honestly grateful to the both of them. They gave me an insanely generous gift, the chance to start new and fresh with no one to take care of but myself. I am viewing it as this guy has taken an enormous headache, and person who obviously never truly cared about me, away from me, he can have her for all I care. I no longer wish to have anything to do with either of those awful people. You may say that I am being harsh, but if you knew the extent of the pain they caused me by their words and actions you would understand. Yet I still hear the echo of their hurtful words and even the threats that I received in times where I am left alone with my thoughts. I was and still am hurt and it will take me a while to recover from the pain and emotional trauma I have endured. But, on a positive note, if it wasn't for them, I would not have reached out to some of the people that have recently come into my life and shown me what I knew I was missing and really deserve out of life and love. Yes, there is more to life than dwelling on the past. Sometimes, you have to go through some very hard things in order to overcome and become stronger. And that is exactly what I intend to do. I have a very bright future in front of me and I couldn't be more liberated. I feel like I am free for the first time in years. Free to do what I need to for me. Free to pursue my dreams and achieve my goals, and I am not going to let anything or anyone stand in the way of what I want. It will take time, but I am keeping those goals out in front of me and every day I am taking another step closer to obtaining them. The biggest test of a person isn't when everything is going well, it is when everything seems to be going wrong that you find out who they really are.
To those of you who have shown me kindness, support and keep me in your thoughts and prayers, thank you so much. It means more to me than I could ever express in words. To those who wish to see me fail, sorry to disappoint you, but it is not going to happen. Success is the only thing I am striving for now, and nothing can stop me.
This year has started off with a bang for me, as I got to spend new years with my 2 beautiful sisters! Up until that point, it had been 2 years since we had all been together. It was so refreshing to just kick back, enjoy some amazing conversation, lengthy laughter and probably a few too many delicious drinks! I flew from Eugene, Oregon to Orlando, Florida. Where we stayed for a week before traveling to Atlanta, Georgia. It was so awesome to see some different parts of the country I had never been to before and to have the amazing wisdom and encouragement my family had to give me. From there, we left after dropping Kayla off at the airport and headed back to my new home for the next couple months in Navarre, Florida.
Talk about a culture shock! I was astonished at how different things are on the East coast, from insanely low gas prices ($1.99 per gallon!) to the amount of meat that came on my pork ribs. Thanks Lloyds BBQ!! Best ribs I've ever had in my life! I also started going to the gym yesterday. If you didn't see my post, I got my ass kicked!! I am so excited to get back into shape and I am so happy to have the amazing training and support as well as the motivational push from my brother Zach. My goal is to be 160 lbs by my 25th birthday in august. Seeing as how I weighed in at 136 yesterday, I have my work cut out for me. It is time for me to break some old habits, and develop new healthy ones in their place. And as much as it might suck starting off, I know I will be grateful I did this later. I may even start to train to compete in a triathlon with my sister and brother this year! I am so excited to be getting fit and taking better care of myself. I have always been the type to take care of others and put them before myself and I am ready to break that cycle for a change and work on bettering myself.
In my first few posts, I was going through a very emotional time and tended to vent about what was consistently on my mind and driving me crazy. And even though there is still a ton of pain and emotions associated with what happened to me, I am honestly grateful to the both of them. They gave me an insanely generous gift, the chance to start new and fresh with no one to take care of but myself. I am viewing it as this guy has taken an enormous headache, and person who obviously never truly cared about me, away from me, he can have her for all I care. I no longer wish to have anything to do with either of those awful people. You may say that I am being harsh, but if you knew the extent of the pain they caused me by their words and actions you would understand. Yet I still hear the echo of their hurtful words and even the threats that I received in times where I am left alone with my thoughts. I was and still am hurt and it will take me a while to recover from the pain and emotional trauma I have endured. But, on a positive note, if it wasn't for them, I would not have reached out to some of the people that have recently come into my life and shown me what I knew I was missing and really deserve out of life and love. Yes, there is more to life than dwelling on the past. Sometimes, you have to go through some very hard things in order to overcome and become stronger. And that is exactly what I intend to do. I have a very bright future in front of me and I couldn't be more liberated. I feel like I am free for the first time in years. Free to do what I need to for me. Free to pursue my dreams and achieve my goals, and I am not going to let anything or anyone stand in the way of what I want. It will take time, but I am keeping those goals out in front of me and every day I am taking another step closer to obtaining them. The biggest test of a person isn't when everything is going well, it is when everything seems to be going wrong that you find out who they really are.
To those of you who have shown me kindness, support and keep me in your thoughts and prayers, thank you so much. It means more to me than I could ever express in words. To those who wish to see me fail, sorry to disappoint you, but it is not going to happen. Success is the only thing I am striving for now, and nothing can stop me.
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