Reflections

Hello again.

I have taken some time away from my computer lately, mainly to focus on the seemingly never ending list of things I must finish around here before we hit the road for Tucson. Only 2 1/2 more weeks before we leave! I could not be more excited to start that next chapter in my life. I have been very productive! Maintaining my grueling new workout routine, eating a lot to put on weight, and even getting back into an old hobby of mine, Wood-working. It has been some time since I have done anything like that and I have to say, I missed using my hands to build things tremendously. There is such a feeling of pride and accomplishment that comes from being able to look over the finished product and say "I did that!"  I needed that tremendously. Mostly to keep my mind focused on the project before me, rather than letting it wander to the places I hate that it tends to go.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my recent past lately, and even though I have said before that I will only look forward from now on, I can't help but think about the events that took place that led to where I am at now. In this post, I am going to lay it all out there, and truly explain what happened the day my life changed. I may bring up some tough issues and things that aren't easy to read, much less write, but I feel like I need to get these thoughts out of my head once again. After all, this blog is about what is going on with me and my thoughts, I am just choosing to share them with you, if you choose to read it, with the hopes that maybe if you were or are in a similar situation, you can see the warning signs I failed to see which ultimately brought me to this place. As a bit of a disclaimer, this is only MY side of the story, my observations and my recollection of that day as best as I can remember it. Although this was in October of last year so my memory may be a bit hazy. If you are looking for clarification on a certain part of this or to question my intentions or to simply say you liked what I wrote and it has helped you or someone you know, feel free to shoot me an email. I will leave my email address in a comment. I will try to get back to you as soon as possible.

So let's begin when this all first started to go down. I was living in Eugene, OR with my then fiance' Sarah Dawn Brayton. She had just returned from a trip to California to see her friends and family, and had brought our mutual friend back up to stay with us for a few days. It was amazing to see her, as it had been close to a year since we had all gotten together. She is currently dating one of my best friends and was even a roommate of Sarah's for a brief time. I was trying to do the best I could to keep a clean house, make meals for us all, and balance my time between work, friends, my relationship and my responsibilities. While I am not now, nor will I ever claim to be perfect, I feel like I was doing a pretty good job at balancing everything. We had an awesome week hanging out and I had gotten some great perspective from our longtime friend into where I was at in my relationship. The day she left, I knew I had to bring up certain things that had begun to eat away at me and although at the time I couldn't place my finger on it, I knew something was up. I came home from work, cleaned up the house as best as I could, in an attempt to make a welcoming atmosphere and a place where we could hopefully hash out our issues. As I was finishing preparing dinner, Sarah returned from work. I set the table and poured the wine. As I eagerly asked about her day, and got only one word answers in response, I was becoming frustrated. We sat in silence through most of the meal. I left the house to clear my head and take my dog Yogi for a walk, and called my dad for some advice.

I explained the things I had been feeling lately and he basically just told me I had to bring up the issues I had been too nervous to say before. As I got back home, I sat down and started to explain how I had been feeling lately and eventually asked her one simple question, "Do you want to be with me?" To my disbelief, she got very defensive and argumentative, bringing up a whole array of issues that had nothing to do with what I was telling her I was concerned about. And eventually she left. I was shocked and confused that she was so willing to run away from a simple question, when 8 months before that she had promised me to spend the rest of her life with me, and that we would always talk through any issues we were having. For me, it was a sign of maturity, or lack there of. I was very calm and although the conversation got heated, I never was abusive in a physical or verbal way as I was raised better than that. It took her 4 days before she finally worked up the courage to make her decision to leave me and tell me to move out. Looking back now, I know it is because she had feelings for my then "friend" and co worker, even though they both denied that there was anything going on between them. I find it extremely hard to believe that she would throw away an engagement, just to only start another relationship a mere 2 1/2 weeks after we broke things off if there were not prior feelings attached, but you can be the judge of that. I was devastated, it brought me to a very dark place, knowing that I gave someone all I had, just to have them use me for every ounce of energy I could muster, to then only be kicked to the curb like a piece of trash. That did wonders on my self esteem and my mental state.

I spent a lot of that time looking myself in the mirror, and to be honest, I hated the man that was staring back at me, I felt like a failure, like I wasn't good enough, like there was nothing left behind the surface. It wasn't until I left for Florida and gained some wisdom from my sisters and my brother, that I began to see myself in a new light. Before, I was looking at a broken man in the mirror, wondering how and even if it was possible to pull myself back together again. I gave one woman my everything, only to have her toss me to the side when I had nothing left to give her. I realized that even if I was perfect, it wouldn't have mattered, because she would always be looking for something more. So I decided to do something radical, something I had never done before. Focus solely on myself. And I have to say I am starting to like my reflection a little bit better every day. I see the results already from working out in the gym and pushing myself more than I ever thought was possible. I see a man who is still broken, but building himself again, just like the project I have been working on lately. Sure, you can take the easy way out and go to the store and buy a table, or you can buy your own lumber, take your measurements, cut away what you don't need, secure the right pieces together to form a solid bond and you know what? Over time, you build that freakin' table. I see myself now as the most important project I have ever worked on in my life. I am cutting away the things I know have been dragging me down and degrading my value such as self doubt, depression and discouraging thoughts. And I am putting myself back together with the strong bonds of family, TRUE friends, wisdom, encouragement, support and all those other things that make me the imperfect man I am. I know it will take me the rest of my life, but I am excited because I know that this finished product will be something to truly marvel at. One that you can't simply toss away because it will be priceless. I want to be a perfect man for my future wife. I want to be a strong role model for my future children. And I know that this starts now, with the steps I take on a daily basis to better my future. This project will take time, but I am working on it day by day.

For those of you who have been reading this and reached out to me to say it has helped you and your situations, thank you so much! I am ecstatic that this is not only helping me, but others as well. To you, I will give you this advice, cut out the things in life that have been dragging you down or holding you back. If you feel down or discouraged, find the things that make YOU happy, and do that. We only have one life to live, why not make it the best we can? Life is too short to be unhappy or depressed, when you feel that way, go do something you love to do, whether it be reading your favorite book, playing a video game, going for a walk or just a relaxing bath. I guarantee it will make you feel better. If you feel like there is no one who cares, give me a call, send me a message saying you just need someone to talk to. I am always available to those in need. Stay strong my friends, It does get better! One piece at a time...