Sometimes You're The Windshield, Sometimes You're The Bug

Hello again.

I have tried to write this post I think at least 4 times now. As I have mentioned before in earlier posts, coming up with the right words to say, and even what to share and what shouldn't is sometimes a fine line that I have to tread lightly. I almost didn't write this post, in fear of what would happen if I did. But then I remembered that this is my place for my thoughts and what is truly going on with me. If anyone else doesn't like it, then that is unfortunate for them but I don't really care. Without holding anything back this time, here we go.

In my last post, I was talking about how I was starting to take small steps to feel better on a daily basis. Things had began to look positive for me for the first time in what felt like forever. But life has a tendency to push our limits. When I thought that things couldn't possibly be any worse, I find out some interesting new developments that started this whole cycle I had almost completed all over again. It is a simple cycle, really. It begins with confusion, then anger, then resentment, finally coming to a slow halt of depression before finally bouncing back out of the funk and truly moving on. I had just gotten to the point where I was thinking it would all work out and I could move on and keep being happy. And then, it all came crashing down through a simple text. "I need to talk to you man."

Let's keep in mind for a minute the past month and a half for me. I just had my fiance' who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, end things with me. Which has been the hardest thing I have had to deal with as of yet. In so many ways, I was ready for all of it. I was ready to be fully committed to someone, to doing anything I could to help better our lives together. As you know, there have been many ups and downs in this time for me. I have still been doing my normal routine of going to work, talking and really spilling my guts to the people around me. My co worker and I had gotten to know each other pretty well over the summer and since we work together every day, literally side by side, we became friends. He was recently out of a long term relationship too and is honestly a great guy. I wish I could say anything bad about him but I can't. Anyways, he shoots me that text one day after work. As I am driving home, about to pull into my apartment complex, my mind is racing.

I imagine a work issue, but brush that off since I know we talk daily about anything like that so my
mind goes on and on imagining every scenario. Instantly, I had a sick, terrible feeling creep up from the pit of my stomach, inching it's way slowly to come to its dreadful rest in the back of my throat where it waits hauntingly, making breathing normally almost impossible. As I am dreading the inevitable, the knock I had been waiting for comes. My heart is racing now. He comes into my apartment and I can see on his face he isn't happy about what he is about to tell me. Reluctantly, I asked what was going on. He proceeds to tell me that him and Sarah had been seeing each other for about a month now. This guy, who I had been confiding in literally everyday all of my thoughts and feelings about what I am dealing with since our breakup. I'll be honest, as any guy would in that situation, it was all I could do to not explode. I wanted so badly to get angry, violent, reckless. But luckily, I was in a good mood that day. I thought about everything rationally, the fact we all still work together, the fact that people move on and change. But I still couldn't help feeling betrayed. I had thought I had a friend in my new co worker, and he even helped me move out of the apartment I had with Sarah, But now, I couldn't help but feeling like he helped me get out just so he could get in.

I know that all of those feelings were normal, and in a way now it all made sense. I was confused before but now suddenly, it was all crystal clear. He explained they didn't do anything to intentionally hurt me, but I feel like every day they lied to me by not speaking up. There were many people that knew, other co workers, friends I made up here, residents at the apartment complex I had gotten to know. I felt like even more of a fool. I'll be honest, the weight of everything was all on my shoulders. Keeping everything civil at our work was my first thought. In other circumstances, say if I didn't have a job on the line I am depending on right now, I would have not handled things this way. I talked it out with him, even wished him and her the best of luck. I am not ashamed to admit that even though I gave her everything she ever told me she wanted, maybe the thing that went wrong was that it was me that was giving her all those things. I understand that you can't help who you have feelings for and who you want to pursue, but at the same time. I had to step back and really evaluate a lot of the people who were in my life. I have realized who my true friends are over the past few months and even more so, to be careful about who I let into my life. In so many ways I feel broken. My heart is torn to pieces and then it was stomped on right in front of me by people who said they cared about me and were my friends.

I don't really know what my next move is. In so many ways, I want to leave. In the past, any time things have gotten so uncomfortable for me where I am at, I take it as a sign from the universe that my job there is done. It has happened to me in my hometown of Big Bear Lake, in Santa Barbara, Orange County, Portland, and so many other places. I tend to just run from the things that bring me pain. And I don't know if I want to do the same thing again. I guess it seems like I am free to go do whatever I want now, but that's the thing. I don't necessarily know where I want to go or where I will end up. But I know that in the meantime, I will hold my head up. I will continue to face them everyday. Deal with seeing them together and looking truly happy. Which hurts the most. I truly hope that they can be happy together. I tried all I could to keep her happy to no avail. But sometimes, you end up with the wrong people.

This thanksgiving, I couldn't help but feel grateful that I dodged a bullet. I almost spent the rest of my life with that woman. I can see now that we truly were not meant to be. I can't wait to find the one I am supposed to be with. I will keep searching. I have had some dark days full of terrible thoughts and am not proud to admit that I have made some mistakes when I was at that point. But from rock bottom, the only way to go is up. Keep me in your prayers. I could use all of it that I can get to stay positive, and optimistic. Sometimes, I feel like there is no way things could get worse. But I am afraid to say that in fear of what else might come to light. I must remind myself that the Lord never gives us any more than we can handle. I feel like I don't think I can handle too much more. So keep me in your thoughts, Send me an uplifting message or some form of encouragement. You never know when that is all someone might need to keep going. And remember, in life, sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you're the bug. But just because you are the bug today, doesn't mean you can't be the windshield tomorrow.

Baby Steps

Hello!

It is that time of year again, the cold has finally showed it's face enough to give us the preview of what is coming. Like the current weather, these past few weeks I have felt cold. I was angry, bitter, resentful, hurt and confused and despite my best efforts, I felt like I had become a cold person. At first I was unsure of how to really move on even though I knew I had to. I knew that I needed to change my mindset. In one of my families favorite movies, "What About Bob?" starring Richard Dreyfus as Leo Marvin and Bill Murray as Bob Wiley. In this hilarious movie, to put it simply, Bob has problems. When Bob seeks the help of a psychiatrist, Leo tells him about his revolutionary new book called Baby Steps. The concept is simple, in everything you do, make small goals for yourself and work on accomplishing those goals one small step at a time. I needed to Baby Step my way through the past few weeks to get to where I am now. There has been closure, the beginnings of new connections, and personal goals accomplished. I feel like I am making good progress despite how new all of these changes are and how quickly it all happened. I truly believe that everyone we meet and everything that happens to us in life makes us who we are and helps us to grow as a person. I am not even close to perfect, but I am trying my best in all I am doing. I have had new people come into my life that have shown me that I am not alone, there are people like me who have similar situations as I do and sometimes that is all you need to know. That even in your darkest hours, there is someone out there going through something just like what you are. It seems to me that certain people come into our lives when we need them to the most. I am happy to be starting this new journey. In so many ways I feel a freedom that is so new to me. I can go anywhere and do anything that I want to and I have big plans to do that. In the meantime, I will keep enjoying the ride. Maybe see what baby steps you can make this month, try something new! See what happens, I am and I have to say it is exciting. I will write more soon. Happy Saturday and remember it all starts with a baby step!

Cutting the Ties

Hello again.

Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that no matter what is said or done, nothing will change how things have already happened in the past. At first, I was driving myself crazy trying to make sense of everything. I had so many questions I thought I wanted answered. I am not perfect in any way, but I felt like I was doing the best that I could despite my frustrations. I had a roller coaster of feelings surging through me at any given time. One minute I was happy and looking forward to the future, then I would think about something that made me look back at my past and wished I could change things. I would become depressed, sad and angry all at the same time. It may sound weird, but I thought maybe I could still fight for what I thought I had. I realize now that when some people have their mind made up, there is no going back for them. Decisions were made, and reactions occurred for everyone close enough to feel the wake. And honestly, it hurts. For every action, there is a reaction.

Eventually, I felt myself becoming bitter, because it was the only time I didn't feel bad about myself. I know that sounds terrible and it really was. I hated it, I hated thinking the way I was and the way it made me feel. I felt like I needed a change of pace if I was ever going to snap out of it. And finally, I just decided i had to let go. I wanted to write about other things more than my personal situation, but sometimes all the other things don't really matter or come out quite right. This is what is on my mind today. Things were said that I regret, but strangely at the same time don't because that is what I was feeling at the time. I said what I needed to and what was honestly on my mind. I had to really just cut the ties that were holding me back from moving on and being happy and stop putting everyone else first for a change and follow my own advice and live for myself. Remove my investments from the situation so to speak. I had invested quite a bit of my time, possessions, energy, emotions and so on into that, and while somethings I got back, others I never will. What I realize now is that this is what was meant to happen eventually. While I am grateful this happened to me when it did instead of in the future when things could have been much more complicated, it still hurts just the same.

I'm just trying my best to look forward now. Waiting for the real one to come show me what I've been missing. In the meantime, it is my turn to do what I want for me. No more holding back, no more looking at all of the things of the past wishing they were different. Just focusing on what I need to do for me, with no regrets. Words can cut sharply, but just like a bruise, time heals all wounds. Maybe if it is just not working, it just isn't the right timing. A friend once told me that trust is gained in inches and lost in miles. I love how true that is, one thing can ruin your feelings of trust for someone overnight. Gaining it back however, may never be accomplished. I have no time for apologies. I used to get told by my dad to not be sorry, just don't do it. I didn't understand it then, but it really is a simple concept. It is amazing to me how 2 words can be all that you can muster to say, and sometimes it is all that needs to be said, while other times it is never enough to hear from someone. It can sound like such an insult. I found myself asking, "sorry for what?" I don't want an apology. That means nothing to me, I want actions shown to me that proves you have the slightest idea how I feel. I know I won't get them, and so I look forward to the day I meet the one who is truly worth risking everything I have for. Until that day comes, I'm going to continue doing my best to move on with my life, and look forward to the future. I have big dreams, I won't let anything hold me back this time.